Day 14: No More Shame and Blame
By: Sara Barnes
Want to fuel conflicts?
Try using lots of Shame and Blame:
He did it!
It’s all your fault!
When I find the culprit, I'm gonna...!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
You’re a….[insert dehumanizing label]
Who does this kind of thing? Only a… [insert insulting label]
Here's the thing about the shame/blame dynamic duo. They don't solve the conflict. They don't analyze the problem. They don't help us learn from mistakes. They don't build trust. They make people miserable. Blame and shame culture will harm any relationship or organization in short order.
Shame and blame does nothing but make folks feel bad.
So, why are we living in shame/blame culture? It’s not entirely clear. Anthropologists, sociologists and historians conjecture that our species' approach might be to condemn individuals who veer from the group -- an ancient and persistent evolutionary relic from the survival days of human development.
But it doesn’t work very well in modern society. Present day self-help professionals and support systems attempt to help people whose lives have been ruined by intensive shame/blame.
For whatever reason it exists, let's move beyond it.
Shame/Blame use in conflict:
Louise has a conflict with Marian.
Louise says to Marian, You did this awful thing. It’s all your fault!
What might be Louise's reason for the blame/shame accusation?
Louise wants to make Marian feel bad.
Louise wants Marian to take responsibility.
Louise is so angry and thinks saying this will make her feel better.
Louise has had others blame her and thinks that's what she should do.
No matter the reason Louise says it, blame does not do any work in resolving the conflict. By blaming Marian, she's shutting down an open dialogue. Maybe Marian did do that awful thing, but, does blaming really help the situation? Louise's blaming puts her in a defensive position, having to protect herself or possibly deciding to hurt Louise back. And then? Nothing is accomplished.
A Life of Shame and Blame:
Shame and blame have lifelong effects. Think of the times it has happened to you -- it's a depleting and dehumanizing experience. Some have a childhood or adulthood full of shame/blame. The targeted person is negatively affected, that’s for sure.
The blamer is also negatively impacted, in that the process leads to a dead end. Hurting others, making them feel bad about themselves, and creating an atmosphere of fear does not build anything positive. Individuals who insist on blaming others, and in the process shame those who are targeted, suffer too, as they break relationship bonds. Some blamers tend to be power-over oriented and quick fix thinkers. In the end, they do not make things better.
The thing people learn from being blamed is to become better at hiding their mistakes. If that's your goal, go ahead -- shame and blame away.
But if you want to create a positive learning environment and work toward mutual accountability within a culture of collective belonging, then remove the shame/blame positioning from your repertoire.
So, what to do?
If you want to resolve a conflict, move your thought process away from blame and toward problem solving.
Talk: Can you ask a question? Can you listen? Can you find something to learn from the situation? Can you lend a willing ear to let the other person talk things out, take responsibility, apologize, face their mistakes?
Create safety: People do not tend to open up when they think they are not safe. Be the safe person who is making a connection and trying to figure things out with the other person. Tightly lock away shame and blame. Think about your words: if this is the other person's worst day, be the person who says, "We all make mistakes. I do, too. Let's see what we can do to fix this."
Ask caring questions: Until they advance past blaming, a resolution is unlikely. Sometimes the right question can help such as:
How could this problem be avoided in the future?
What can be done to learn from this experience?
What do you want from me/the other person?
What can they/I/we do to make it right?
If you notice shame/blame rearing its ugly head, name it to tame it.
Try this: "Let's not blame and shame. Instead let’s look to the future and not try to hurt each other."
Sometimes that's all it takes -- pointing things out for what they are and making a concerted effort to move past shame/blame.