MV Mediation is pleased to announce a $2,500 grant from the Martha’s Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation to support the Youth Mediation Program and Peace Curriculum. The Peace Curriculum, developed by Executive Director Sara Barnes, is a 10-week conflict resolution and positive communication program designed to teach conflict resolution to the students of Martha’s Vineyard. Using integrative and hands-on activities, students learn to apply skills to resolve conflict in their day-to-day lives.
The missing element of re-entry services for incarcerated people in MA is the pro-social element. The Re-entry Mediation Program (ReMAp) focuses on this element, provided by a network of community mediation centers under a program administered by the MA Office of Public Collaboration at the McCormack Graduate School.
COLLECTIVE ACTION & CONFLICT RESOLUTION
How is Collective Action Related to Conflict Resolution?
"What do you do when the conflict you have is not with an individual? When you are in conflict with a policy, a law, something unfair in society?" This was the question asked in a class for conflict resolvers recently.
In general, the skills and strategies in conflict resolution are oriented toward individuals or small groups. In the mediation process, even multi party mediations, it is rare to have more than a handful of people involved. Most mediations are between two people. Conflict resolvers might facilitate difficult conversations among a group, helping to create a positive environment for all voices to be heard and respected.
There are intersections and overlapping concepts that connect political, social and cultural movements with the concepts of conflict resolution. Below is an adapted chart showing the range of approaches that can be taken when one wants to effect large scale change. Mediators fit in there, probably more toward the individualistic and persuasive quandrant of the chart. Those involved in alternative dispute resolution, such as mediation, work to make change and have an impact on the world one conflict at a time.
Working with others
We are going through a time where we can witness the impact and achievements of collective action. When one person joins with others the multiplied strength can make a big difference. Similar to analyzing individual conflicts, some of the same aspects can be found in collective social movements.
Groups make demands--in conflict resolution we call these positions. Underneath these demands are interests. People join together because their interests match up. For the student who asked, what to do when you want to change things, the answer might be to find a group that matches your interests. See interests
Another parallel connecting conflict resolution concepts with social movement groups is the necessity for negotiation. When coming to collective agreement on the direction of the group, participants find themselves involved in many of these discussions. What is most important? Which actions should we take? How should we articulate our beliefs? Who is best to represent us?
And when a group is able to achieve the desired change, negotiating a durable agreement overlaps with the work done in mediation and other conflict resolution processes.
Values and Identity
As we learn in conflict analysis, conflicts are related to values and identities. We are often moved to act when something negatively impacts how we see ourselves in the world -- our identity--and the standards we set for how we live our lives - our values. See values see Identity. Often individuals choose to work with a group that aligns with their values and/or identity and in this way can be comfortable that the work of the group represents them well.
Conflict Styles Matrix
In conflict resolution we are familiar with the conflict styles matrix. We might apply this chart to the work of social movements and groups. When to accommodate? When to be more assertive or avoidant? As part of a group that is seeking change, we might look along the diagonal-to compromise and collaborative/ creative problem solving to set a goal for how to move forward.
Do this:
Short interview about mediators involved in social movements video
Consider the chart above that shows the relationship between individual and collective actions. Where do you fit? What topics would motivate you to join with others to affect change? What policies, laws or cultural norms do you feel conflict with your values and/or identity?
CELEBRATE THE GRADUATES
You can learn to help others resolve conflicts
In this midst of the graduation season, however transformed in the current situation, there are some graduates you may not have heard about. This week three groups of conflict resolution students finished their coursework.
The Conflict Resolvers
This group met once a week for the last three months to develop conflict resolution skills and tools. Most of these participants are involved in public service. They met by video conference in a supportive group who took on many difficult concerns. Here are some of the topics in the course:
Defining conflict
Conflict metaphors
Conflict styles
Analyzing conflicts
Effect of conflict on our stress levels
Becoming better listeners
Using neutral language
De-escalation techniques
Congratulations to the graduates of the Conflict Resolver course. You will make a difference!
The Youth Mediators
Their classmates are performing their musical concerts by video conference and missing the prom. These ten MVRHS students have managed a unique milestone. They have attended 15 or more hours of training as youth mediators. Sitting on their beds with their pets in their laps and handling uncooperative internet, our newest and youngest mediators worked hard to become ready and willing to help other young people to resolve their conflicts. In their classes they learned about:
Mediation principles: Confidentiality, Neutrality, Voluntariness, Self-Determination.
The structure of mediation: Introduction, Hearing conflict story, Encouraging negotiation, Finalizing agreement.
Asking open-ended questions
Being professional
Using patience
Being self-reflective
They are remarkable young people, with poise and commitment. Their work is ahead of them. They are ready to help. We should all be proud.
The Conflict Coaches
These mediators participated in the initial training in the practice of conflict coaching. Even though they are all experienced mediators, they seek to learn how to work 1:1 with clients who want to improve their approach to conflict. Working as a coach is different than leading the process of mediation. The course looked at the following concepts:
What is coaching?
Listening like a coach.
Using feedback.
Probing for needs, values, identity.
Analyzing internal and external conflict
Surveying mutuality.
Using the pro/con tool for planning.
Now those who are going forward toward full qualification will endeavor through an apprenticeship, participating in a number of practice coaching cases, with ongoing supervision and feedback.
Good news
Its a difficult time, the curent events and our lives are challenging. Yet, there is good news. These fine people took their time, their brains and their commitment and worked to learn new skills to help other people. Its heartening to know there are folks among us who are looking to make things better.
If you are interested in learning skills in the conflict resolution area, reach out to our organization or to your local community mediation group. Mediators, Conflict Coaches and Conflict Resolvers are not born--they are developed through learning and dedication.
Congratulations to all the graduates!
Learn more:
What is conflict coaching? Article
What is youth mediation? Article
Conflict resolution in public service. Article
Finding my local community mediation program. In Massachusetts. In the US
YOU CAN APOLOGIZE BETTER
The apology
It’s hard to apologize. OK that's the end of the column. Thanks for reading.
Well there is more to say about apologies and their use value in handling conflicts. But, let's just hover here for a minute. It is really hard to apologize well, to gather your thoughts, become humble, show genuine remorse and to communicate your 'I'm sorry' effectively.
Why are apologies so hard? My conflict resolution teacher Tammy Lenski writes about her struggles to apologize, and notes that fear is a factor.
As I contemplate the apology, I notice that fear colors what I’m anticipating may happen. All the images in my head cluster around fear: She will lash out. Others will hear. She will not accept the apology. She will write me off. She will be holier than thou. She will insult me as someone who cannot walk my own talk consistently. I will feel shame.
Apologies are asked for in mediation fairly often. Sometimes it’s exactly what is needed, and the person who apologizes does it with care and sincerity. Other times, though, the request for apology becomes a battle ground. As a mediator it is possible to help people to find a kind of side door to an apology. The person may not actually apologize, but the purpose is served in other ways. The mediator asks some well-crafted questions. Some might be:
Talk a little bit about what you want them to understand — the reasons behind your wish for an apology.
Why is an apology important to you?
What would an apology from them signal to you?
Can you talk about the impact of their words/actions on you?
These questions get to the interests underneath the request for an apology. If you missed the column on interests in conflict resolution you can read it here. Even if the apology is not forthcoming, the underlying concerns can be unearthed. Hopefully this leads to better communication between both parties, even if an actual apology might not be forthcoming.
Bad apologies
We have all experienced bad apologies, and maybe been the recipient or the creator of some bad ones ourselves. There are so many examples of bad apologies, this aspect of the topic almost goes without saying. Research shows the following are the top four ineffective apology approaches.
Failing to take meaningful responsibility.
Focusing on their own good intentions instead of the impact of their words or actions.
Using "if" or "but," as in "I’m sorry if you were offended" and "I'm sorry, but you took it the wrong way."
Sounding rote or mechanical, or coming across as uncaring or disingenuous.
How to apologize better
Recent research looked into possible components of apologies. Two stood out as more effective. If you are trying to craft an apology make sure to include both of these, if you want to make a difference in the situation.
Acknowledge your responsibility. This demonstrates willingness to “own” the impact of your words and/or actions.
Offer to repair the damage that was done. This helps restore tangible and/or intangible effects resulting from the deed.
Of course these two ingredients of an effective apology could be in place, and yet the apology may fall flat. That's because the apologizing person must use sincere and earnest body language, a positive vocal tone and a conducive setting. Mediators and conflict coaches can help clients to prepare for an apology by rehearsing all these components.
Core Values
Conflicts are related to values. People have conflicts when their values are challenged or when something happens that goes against their values. Apologies are related to core values as well. A research study looked into this and found that, "When people focus on their core values, they seem to become more willing to sincerely apologize" Karina Schumann from the University of Pittsburgh and her colleagues asked participants to write about the personal value they rank highest and in referencing these values, the individuals showed more willingness to apologize with sincerity to the other person. Mediators, conflict coaches and associates of those involved in conflicts might reference core values as a way to help the apologizing person put things in perspective.
Do this:
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT YOU THINK
You can take control of your thoughts
You have heard that you can control your own actions. And that you should. But control your thoughts?
Yes. You are in charge of what you think. And taking control of your own thoughts can make a big difference in resolving conflicts and strengthening your relationships.
Conflict happens because of thoughts. Sounds obvious, right? Of course it is. Both people have thoughts, opinions, ideas. These concepts lead to actions. And sometimes the actions of two people are in conflict.
Working on your thoughts
If you want to learn how to take responsibility for your thoughts, in order to more effectively handle conflict, a checklist may help. Training yourself to move beyond reactive thoughts, and to work your way through a checklist can help you to more effectively control your thinking. Everyone needs a different checklist, you can come up with your own based on your own challenges.
Why a checklist? Because when you are triggered or have had your values challenged, the tendency is to react. You need training to not react too quickly. Just like the trained airplane pilot, emergency room doctor, mechanic or other skilled professional; a standard list can lead you to expand your thinking in the moment. This is called a heuristic, a mental shortcut that allows an individual to make a decision, pass judgment, or solve a problem quickly and with minimal mental effort.
Conflict resolution heuristic example
Below is one checklist that can help train your brain. Everyone can develop their own. Try using a checklist like this in order to walk your thoughts through the consideration of any conflict. Start with low level situations. Any new habit requires practice and intention.
When a conflict arises, you might want to walk your thoughts through this checklist:
I might be wrong. Be open to changing your ideas.
The other person has taken actions for a good reason.
Is there a question I could ask that would help me understand?
My emotions may be telling me something about myself.
I might see things differently in the morning.
I have learned from other conflicts, I can learn from this.
Do you see how this works? Its a shortcut that you can use to work your way through, in order to not be mired in the muck. If you take your thoughts by the hand, put aside unproductive ideas and open a new route to take, you can develop a more well trained mind. You can take responsibility for your thoughts.
Do this:
NO MORE SHAME AND BLAME
Want to fuel conflicts?
Try Shame
and Blame
He did it!
Its all your fault!
When I find the culprit I'm gonna...!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Here's the thing about employing the shame/blame dynamic duo. They don't solve the conflict. They don't analyze the problem. They don't help us to learn from our mistakes. They make people miserable and accomplishing next to nothing. They don't build trust. Blame and shame culture will harm any relationship or organization in short order. Blame and shame does nothing but make folks feel bad.
So why are we living in blame/shame culture? Its not entirely clear. There's some anthropological and historical conjecture about our species' approach toward individuals who veer from the group or who harm others. There does seem to be an epidemic going on. Present day self-help and support articles attempt to help people whose lives have been ruined by intensive blame/shame. For whatever reason it exists, let's move beyond it.
Blame/Shame use in conflict
Louise has a conflict with Marian. Louise says to Marian, You did this awful thing. Its all your fault!
What might be Louise's reason for saying that?
Louise wants to make Marian feel bad.
Louise wants to get Marian to take responsibility.
Louise is so angry and thinks saying this will make her feel better.
Louise has had others blame her and thinks that's what she should do.
No matter the reason Louise says it, it does not do any work in the conflict. By blaming Marian, she is shutting down any possibility for an open dialogue. Maybe Marian did do that awful thing. And how does blaming help the situation? Louise's blaming her puts her in a defensive position, having to protect herself or to hurt Louise back. And then? Nothing is accomplished.
Blame and shame have lifelong effects. Think of the times it has happened to you. Some have a childhood or adult full of blame/shame. It is a depleting and dehumanizing experience to be blamed and shamed.
The person is negatively affected. The blamer is also negatively impacted, in that the process leads to a dead end. Hurting others, making them feel bad about themselves, creating an atmosphere of fear does not build anything positive. Individuals who insist on blaming others, and in so doing shaming those who are targeted, tend to be power oriented and quick fix thinkers. In the end, they do not make things better.
So what to do?
If you want to resolve a conflict, move your thought process away from blame and toward problem solving. Can you ask a question? Can you listen? Can you find something to learn from the situation? Can you lend a willing ear to let the other person work things out, take responsibility, apologize, face their mistakes? People do not tend to open up when they think they are not safe. Be the safe person who is making a connection and trying to figure things out with the other person. Put the blame/shame away locked up tight. If this is the other person's worst day, don't you want to be the one who says, "We all make mistakes. I do too. Let's see what we can do to fix this."
In conflict resolution, the mediator, coach or facilitator has to work hard to move the person who is intent on blaming. Until they advance past blaming, a resolution is unlikely. Sometimes it takes asking the right question such as:
How could this problem be avoided in the future?
What can be done support learning from this experience?
What do you want from the other person, and what can they do to make it right?
Do you want to resolve this?
Try to do what you can, at least notice where blame/shame rears its ugly head and name it when you see it. Try this: "Let's not blame and shame. Instead lets look to the future and not try to hurt each other." Sometimes that's all it takes, to point things out for what they are.
Do this:
DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
In conflict situations,
try not to personalize
You have a conflict and are trying to sort it out. What can you take responsibility for and what does not really belong to you? You are trying to be honorable and honest with yourself and the other person--you might have been at fault for some of it. Is there something you can apologize for? What about the other person, do they have some responsibility too? Do they see things differently than you? Can you learn more by talking to the other person? To a trusted ally? What should you do?
One important thing to do is to try not to take it personally. In this context taking it personally refers to the negative self talk that can happen when we over-personalize difficult situations. Some of us can beat ourselves up. When you take things personally, your ability to resolve the conflict is dramatically diminished.
An example
Here's a story from the article linked below:
The other day I was in a building running an errand. As I walked through the lobby toward the exit, a woman I didn’t know walked past me. As she did she said, “Buenas”–which is a standard greeting–, and I answered, “Buenas”, and kept going. Then I heard the woman say: “You’re so rude. Learn some manners. When someone greets you, you should greet them back.”
I stopped and turned around, and I saw that the woman was talking to me. Obviously, she didn’t hear me when I answered her greeting. In addition, it was evident that she had concluded that I simply chose to ignore her, and she took it personally. Given her state of agitation, it was clear to me that she felt slighted. I told the woman that I had responded to her greeting, and it wasn’t my fault that she didn’t hear me. Then I left. What I really wanted to tell her was that she needed to learn how to stop taking things personally.
Whenever I walk into an elevator and there’s already someone in there, I say “Buenas”, because that’s a cultural practice in Latin America. Most of the time people answer my greeting. But sometimes they don’t. And when they don’t, I don’t take it personally.
In this story, it seems obvious that the quick public conflict was related to someone who was evaluating events through a super personalized lens. "Learn some manners..." is an assumption. It seems to come from a person who believes their immediate reading of a situation is fully accurate and worthy of comment. "When someone greets you...." indicating a grievance that comes from believing that someone has not treated this person respectfully. Quick to anger, quick to engage and in this case, inaccurate.
Reorient your thinking
Don Miguel Ruiz writes a lot about not taking things personally. He considers it to be one of four life rules for healthy living. He says, "Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are...(what)... they have in their own minds." We all have been negatively affected at one time or another by what others have said or done. The idea is to move through a kind of mental checklist in order to stay in reality and to work to be logical and thoughtful. A checklist like: I'm doing the best I can. Check. The other person may not see it the way I do. Check. What other explanations can there be? Check. Even if the other person doesn't do or say what I want, it may not be about me. Check.
Conflict and personalization
If you can move beyond taking things personally, you can be open to a new conflict narrative. You can be open to what is happening for the other person and be a learner. You can be self reflective and learn about yourself. You can be a willing partner in the process of working things out. Even if other people are personalizing the situation, you can have the intention of staying open and willing to be a creative thinker. This does not mean being a doormat. It means not internalizing others' opinions of you--or setting yourself up to be easily harmed by others. Hold to your own principles and stay open to what others can offer. Its not easy. In a conflict, don't take things personally.
Do this:
Watch a quick video showing the importance of this in workplace conflict video
Watch Oprah learn about not taking things personally video
ASK THE RIGHT QUESTION
Asking the right question can make all the difference in a conflict
All kinds of questions
In conflict resolution training, participants are taught the skill of effective questioning. Its important to learn how to structure questions, which type of question to use when, and the the effect of particular questions. There's an art to asking questions at the right time and in the right way.
Closed ended questions
Red pill or blue pill? Its a closed ended question. How do you recognize this kind of question? It can be answered with yes, no or one word. Would you like fries with that? Yes or no. A closed ended question is useful when someone needs to know a simple answer and wants to limit the information coming from the respondent. Close ended questions can have the effect of shutting down communication. They have a restricting aspect and generally do not help to deepen or solidify a relationship.
Probing or Clarifying questions
In a conflict, ask clarifying questions before coming to conclusions. A clarifying question serves many purposes. Here's one: Would you tell me more about what your reaction was? The person answering gets the chance to explain themselves--and knows the other person is interested in their thoughts and experiences. Here's another one: Could you repeat the second part again? The person asking shows they want to make sure they understand what has been said and the other person knows they are being listened to intently. Here's a clarifying question that helps to fill in the blanks, I think I missed it, can you tell me what happened on Tuesday? Instead of jumping to make a judgement, ask a probing question and listen to understand.
Open Ended questions
The most helpful type of question in conflict resolution is the open ended type. This kind of question cannot be answered with a single word answer. It invites open communication and sharing of ideas. If you don't tend toward open ended questions, here a few all purpose ones that can be used in almost all situations. Remember your tone and body language need to be matched to sincere inquiry--and listen fully to get the answer and the underlying information that comes from truly trying to understand the other person.
Can you describe what happened?
What would you like to see happen?
What does that look like for you?
What would it take for us to be able to move forward?
What ideas do you have that would meet both our needs?
What about that was important to you?
What’s the biggest risk of you not making progress?
Tell me what you are concerned about?
What’s important to you about that?
If you are not able to come up with one of these in the moment when you are trying to improve communication, here are question starters to begin an open ended question:
I wonder..
Help me to understand...
Could you expand on...
I'm curious about..
or the tried and true all purpose question:
Would you tell me more?
Accusations into questions
Lets say you have come to a conclusion or judgement and it sounds something like: You did this on purpose to hurt me! This accusation can be easily turned into a question, Did you do this on purpose to hurt me? Although the conclusion is part of it, the question comes across as a genuine inquiry, as long as its paired with a tone of voice that is calm. Asking this kind of question can serve to open up communication instead of shutting it down. Or instead of asking it as a close ended question, try an open-ended one: Could you tell me about why you did that? Did you have any thoughts about how it would affect me?
Why questions
Starting an open ended question with Why might seem like a great way to try to increase understanding. Some recent research calls this into question. Particularly in a conflict, it turns out, a person being asked a why question can hear it as an aggressive challenge. So use four of the five Ws--What, When, Where and How, but be judicious about using Why if you are trying to be delicate and not cause more conflict.
Do this:
NEW ATTITUDE - FOCUS ON MUTUALITY
Mutuality
is the way forward
We are all in this together. Its a phrase we are leaning on a lot in the present moment. There is nothing like a scary crisis to bring people together. We see mutual appreciation expressed effusively with the 7pm public clapping, singing, banging pots and pans. Have you heard about this? The nurses, doctors, cleaners and first responders are out trying to save humanity. Everyone else is sequestered in their homes across the country. At 7pm people come out to the balcony, or open the window or stand on their steps and make lots of noise. What they are saying is Thank you for helping! We appreciate you for doing your job to save lives! We are home and trying to stay safe and you are out there risking your life--but we have not forgotten you! We are proud of our fellow humans who are doing good!
The 7pm collective cheer is a demonstration of mutuality. Mutuality is a positive, interactive relationship between people.The word comes from mutual meaning given and received in a reciprocal way. Mutual is familiar language and its used in various ways such as:
mutual trust: promises kept, equality ability to count on one another
mutual benefit: life enhanced due to connection
mutual support: help each other and give each other aid
mutual admiration: have high regard and respect for each other
Mutuality is all of these wrapped up in the reciprocity of working to understand each other's perspective, interests and outlook.
Mutuality in conflict resolution
In mediation we work to help disputants to experience mutuality with each other. If there is a stand off, folks might need to let down their guard, work to listen better, put aside their assumptions, slow down. Once both parties are actively trying to resolve their conflict, the idea is to help them to develop some level of mutuality. This is important and sometimes has a dramatic effect. When someone walks in another's shoes, it can be profound. The mediator asks, 'can you describe where we are from the other person's way of understanding it?' It works.
In conflict coaching we ask the clients to pick a conflict and go through the process of analyzing that conflict. Then we walk the person through the conflict from the position of the other person. Its pretty amazing to witness this process, guided by a professional conflict coach. The client in coaching fairly often has an epiphany. Its uplifting to see that the process of reviewing the conflict with a mutuality lens can really help add conflict resolution tools to the client's toolbox. Seeing through other's eyes provides the perspective that opens up doors and paths that can lead toward resolution.
Learning mutuality
Cinnie Noble, who designed the CINERGY conflict coaching process has put together a set of questions that can open up mutuality. Consider these as you work to expand your way of looking at a situation:
How would you describe what you and the other person disagreed upon in that situation? How would the other person describe what you disagreed on?
What did the other person say or do that particularly provoked you?
What did you say or do that may have stood in the way of the other person being able to hear you and understand you?
What did you expect from the other person?
What do you think the other person may have expected from you?
What don’t you know about the other person’s perspective? What doesn’t the other person know about your perspective on this situation?
What would you say you both agree on?
What would you do differently if you had it to do over again?
What may be threatening, uncomfortable or concerning for you to engage the other person in a conversation to better understand what happened and to make amends if you want to? How about for him or her?
If you want things between you to be resolved in a mutually satisfactory way, what would that be and how may you facilitate that?
CONFLICT COMPONENTS - INTERESTS
Focus closely on Interests
Its the 39th day of our Working From Home daily message. And if you forget all 38 previous messages, remember this. The key to conflict resolution is understanding interests. Once you get this concept, conflicts start to make sense. If a person takes on the simple and profound concept of interests, its like the windshield becomes clear after having been previously fogged and the contours of the conflict landscape come into view.
What interests are not
Interests are not positions.The two are paired traditionally in conflict resolution training, because to understand one helps to explain the other. Let's look at Langley the pygmy goat, standing on my porch against my wishes last summer. What's his position? I want the day lilies. And the forsythia and whatever that is in the terracotta pot. And I want to stand on the porch. What's my approach? First of all you have to know that goats are hard to scare or influence, so yelling or sweet talking doesn't work. I do know a bit about Langley, though. He has two interests that usually motivate him. Food and curiosity, usually in that order. Knowing his interests, I offer him some goat feed and I start walking into another part of the yard. Appealing to his interests--I like that food a lot, and I wonder where she is going--helps me to get Langley to follow me off the porch.
In this conflict between my interests - the goat should stay in his pen and I want my day lilies to survive - and Langley's interests described above, I do not act to fight against his position. To do that, by the way, requires grabbing him by his horns, holding on to his collar and pushing with my whole body to make him go where I want. Instead I look underneath his position to see if I can can appeal to his interests. His interests are not specific to day lily leaves, so providing him with the feed satisfies his food interests. A win-win all around. Langley follows me around the yard--his curiosity interest - until he is safely back behind the gate in the goat yard having enjoyed his walk and his snack.
What are Interests, and Why Do They Matter?
An excerpt from MWI's Chuck Doran and Megan Winkeler blog describes positions and interests in non-goat terms.
Let’s say a person walks up to you and says, “I want you to give me $20!” Not knowing this person, you tell him no. Or, maybe you say yes. Either way, the demand for $20 is the person’s position. Positions are requests or demands to which you can say yes or no. In response to the person asking you for $20, you can choose to approve or deny this request. You might add other demands of your own – “I will give you $20 if you help me unload my groceries” or “I will not give you $20 unless you agree to buy me lunch next week.” The demands you add are your positions in the negotiation.
We express positions in a variety of ways, sometimes framing them as an immediate need or the only available option. To identify a statement as a position, ask yourself: can I say yes or no to this? Try it with a few examples below, which show how someone might frame their position.
Can I have $20?
I want $20.
I need $20.
Give me $20.
You are going to give me $20.
Note that you can say yes or no to all of these statements. They are all demands or requests made of you by the other person. Of course, you can choose to respond to the demand for $20 in other ways than a simple yes or no. In fact, you probably have an innate desire learn more about why this person is asking for $20. The answer to that question – why do you want $20? – defines the person’s interests. Let’s look at some possible responses from our fictional negotiator:
I’m hungry, but I lost my wallet and need to buy lunch.
I spent all my money on scratch lottery tickets expecting it to be a good investment, and now I can’t afford to buy a bus ticket home.
Last week I loaned you $20, and you haven’t paid me back.
I’m your thirteen-year-old son who does not have a job, and I would like to go to the movies with my friends.
Each of the statements above express interests. I want to buy lunch because I’m hungry. I want to get home, and the bus is the best way I know of to do that. I want to be made whole for the money I loaned you. I want to go to the movies with my friends. None of these statements are requesting anything of you. Rather, they are telling you what motivates the other person in the negotiation. In short: interests tell us why we are negotiating with someone. They explain what motivates us and what need we’re hoping to fulfill. Positions, on the other hand, demand or request something from our counterpart to fulfill those interests.
Positions and Interests in your daily life
Do you have a Langley standing on your porch in real life? Interest-based negotiation allows us to improve relationships. The son and daughter in the positional bargaining yelled, fought, and walked away resenting the other. The son and daughter, in the alternate interest based conflict resolution, considered each other's interests, figured out how to help the other person to reach their interests, and both left happy and with an intact relationship.
People fight hard for their positions because they have no experience with the process of looking underneath demands to uncover the underlying interests. They hold to their positions because they believe it may be the only way to meet their needs. Intransigence is fairly often fueled by lack of experience or imagination that there may be other ways to resolve the conflict. The rule is, you can't negotiate between positions, yet you can negotiate between interests.
How do you get to interests?
This is a lifelong mystery and puzzle that can occupy your thought process. People are unpredictable and amazingly surprising in their complexity. Go humans! Go complexity! Use your question asking skills and thoughtful detective work to see if you can figure out what the interests are that are fueling someone's positions. Impress your friends and family with your amazing and intuitive ability to understand where they are coming from by detecting their interests. In so doing you will have created an environment where conflicts can be resolved and mutual understanding can be built together.
As the image above shows, the best structure is when power becomes a more minor player in the conflict resolution process and interests are what disputants emphasize as they work things out together. The pyramid on the right is grounded, balanced and strengthened by attention to interests. In your workplace, family, organization, which of the two depictions fit your situation? If you want to have a more healthy and productive structure, don't focus on positions but look more deeply to find the individual and collective interests.
Do this:
Check out MWI’s Negotiation & Mediation Blog:
More on positions and interests.
Do you remember the story of the orange conflict? Look at it again to consider positions and interests video.
WEDNESDAY SKILLS - BODY LANGUAGE
Add this tool to your toolbox
Your body language has a major effect on conflict
Body Language
Ok we are going to talk about body language. No don't click off. Yes talking about body language means we are going to talk about bodies. So let's get this out of the way first.
You have a good body. It is not too big, or too small. Its just exactly tall enough and your chin is really fabulous just the way it is. Your skin is really quite wonderful in its exact wrinkliness, its hue is absolutely gorgeous. Your bald head, your warts, the grey, the roundness of your nose, your feet--all of it is just terrific. Forget all those other messages that are designed to make you feel diminished. Your body is just fine and you can make good use of it in conflict resolution.
Still here? Great. For something so important, so obvious, we spend a amazingly little amount of time focusing on how to use our bodies to best effect in resolving conflicts. We idolize the athletic achievements, the artistic use of the body, the performers. So let me ask you this, when has someone commented that your have communicated so well with the way you sat in the chair, how you leaned forward in just the right way, the method of using your eyebrows and that expressive squint. Let's get better at using the most crucial tool in our toolbox--our bodies.
Facial expression
Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell estimated we can make and recognize around 250,000 facial expressions. Which ones are your best? This generation is perfecting the selfie culture. Those facial expressions are often designed to help others to see each other as attractive and friendly. Which other facial expressions are in your repertoire that you can call upon when you need them? Today while we are holding so many of our meetings on video conferencing, if you are able to record yourself, you might have a great set of data to study.
A very experienced mediator saw himself on video. "Do you mean that is what I look like the clients? Why didn't anyone tell me that all you can see is my eyebrows and glasses," he inquired. And we probably should have mentioned it before. As the parties sat in mediation, the combination of his reading glasses and brows meant that the parties were unable to connect with him face on. A conscious adjustment over time meant he was able to use his face and connect in a more effective way.
Neutral facial expressions and micro expressions
Holding your face in a neutral and relaxed expression is a useful skill to have. It takes some strong training. Once you have the capability to hold a neutral expression, it will come in handy in life as well as conflict resolution. Have you been told that everyone always knows what you are thinking? Then you have more work to do. We all have tiny muscular movements in our faces, called micro expressions, and they are easily picked up on by others. To have a neutral expression, your thought process might need to be neutral. After millions of years of evolution, our species has survived by picking up clues from others. If you clear your mind and reserve judgement, your facial expression is likely to follow.
To relax your face, do some facial stretches. Squinch up all your muscles, count to 5 then relax for 10. Do this a few times. Then open your mouth as wide as possible for 5 and then relax for 10. Just these two exercises, taking about 5 minutes at most, can help your face to relax and show your open mind to others.
Be careful not to mirror other's expressions
Others yawn, you yawn, right? We all mirror others, its a natural human process. When you find yourself in a conflict situation, you may notice others with facial expressions that indicate their thoughts, emotions and judgements. Be careful not to mirror other's expressions. such as:
Tightness around mouth and eyes
Frowning, scowling, and glaring
Lowered eyebrows
Tense jaw
Glaring intently
Awareness and avoidance of expression mirroring, can help to support a positive conflict resolution process. One person's expressions are difficult. When both people use these expressions, the conflict can devolve into aggression and/or distrust. Better to keep a calm and open face that invites conversation.
Gestures
We have all developed habits for use of our hands and arms when communicating. Much of this is cultural, some is un-examined. No matter where your habitual gestures come from, there are a few that are generally difficult and can undermine a peaceful communication such as:
Pointing and jabbing fingers
Crossed arms and legs
Clenched fists
Quick and jerky moves
Banging the table
Shrugging or dismissive moves
Hands on hips
None on this list should be considered forbidden. Instead develop an awareness of your use of these gestures. Know that they can have a powerful effect on the receiver and may be at cross purposes to the conflict resolution process.
There are some helpful gestures that can be supportive during a difficult conversation. Try:
Head nodding with understanding and acceptance
Open hand gestures
Arms uncrossed
Chest exposed
Slow, deep breathing
If you tend to have uncontrolled gestures, you might want to work on this. Try the last bullet above if you can't do anything else. A little oxygen helps everything to go better, and your brain gets what it need to be more aware.
Body and stance
There's a reason the judge is up high above everyone else in the court. This stance indicates the elevation of the judge role. The judge is the decider for others, its not a mutual process. If you, however, want to develop a mutually agreed upon outcome, make sure you are eye to eye and at an equal or lower level. If your social role might tend to convey a higher status upon you, try getting slightly lower in order to create an equal playing field. If you are tall and have to look down on people when standing, see if you can find a stool or table to lean on to become eye to eye. No one likes to be loomed over, and even with the best of intentions our natural reaction toward keeping ourselves safe, can hinder collaborative dispute resolution.
Squaring off your body to the other person is another aspect to for awareness. When you see someone only showing you their side and turning away, it may be interpreted as a lack of comittment or fear of interaction. If you want to show you are sincere and open, open up your torso to the other person and sit up, not rigid, showing the interaction is important to you. Slumping can mean you find the situation unimportant. Stretching your arm out over other chair backs or behind others can come across as aggressive. Bending over and looking down, can show timidness or a lack of willingness to interact. A lot to think about. As with any self improvement, awareness and intention is the place to start.
Here's a list from the Talented Ladies Club (love the name), article link is below. Its a helpful list, don't you think?
Uncross your arms. A crossed arms posture can show contempt, act as a barrier or show disinterest.
Relax, but not too much. Keeping a straight back but relaxing the shoulders shows attentiveness and stifles the raised shoulders of feeling tense. Relaxing too much and slouching might indicate disinterest.
Maintain eye-contact. This shows interest and is a sign of respect. Blink and look away momentarily (to prevent staring) but look at the person speaking as much as possible without it becoming uncomfortable.
Make relaxed movements. When we are feeling alarmed or confronted we can often make fast and jerky movements with our hands and body. If we are relaxed our body tends to relax. Try to keep your body relaxed even though you might not be feeling calm.
Signal non-aggression. Generally ‘squaring’ up to someone can signal aggression. By standing slightly side on and using open hand gestures you are signalling non-aggression. Just because you might not be an aggressive person does not mean that you would not be signalling aggression.
Get the distance right. Whether sitting or standing it’s important to be close enough to show a willingness to engage, but not so far that you become out of touch. A position of around four feet or so from the other person shouldn’t occupy their personal space and should feel comfortable for both.
Smile and nod. The occasional smile shows an air of warmth but it should not be false. It may only need to be for a second, but it should be genuine. An accompanying nod affirms the smile and can infer agreement.
The real trick is develop body language awareness. First pay attention to what you have to learn and improve. Then start looking at other's body language, and see if you can pick up on some of these moves. Turn the sound off on the TV or watch in a language you can't understand, and try to see what you can pick up. Use what you've got, your body, and there's a lot your body, face and gestures can do to help things along.
Do this:
Record yourself. Do you like what you see? Pick one specific goal that will help you come across in the way you intend. Keep recording. Or ask a partner to watch you more carefully and give you feedback.
Working on confidence, this might help.
First chapter of Definitive Book of Body Language.
The Talented Ladies club is for ladies and others.
Lots of pictures here.
Very quick video showing your body posture changes your body chemistry and thoughts.
I TEND TO USE THE AVOIDING CONFLICT STYLE
Using the Avoiding Conflict Resolution style
In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.
We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the avoiding style, located down to the left, then that's likely your go-to approach.
Avoiding conflict is...
In conflict resolution, we say that, in general, the avoid stance is a lose-lose approach. That's because the two people who have a conflict don't get to share their concerns, negotiate and develop understanding, and because of this, both parties lose out. Although many people have a negative view of conflict, we think that the process of working conflicts out can be a net positive. Working toward a win-win or at least a compromise is all about learning, growth and improved outcomes for both parties. We only make improvements through the process of struggle. Our view is that all human advancement is the result of conflict that is resolved, sometimes through trials and tribulations, but ends up with something better at the end.
The lose-lose part of avoid is when there are real deeply-felt conflicts that are just buried. Or more accurately, like the ostrich, the head is buried while the conflict sits there, unresolved, unadressed and growing over time. Avoiding handling conflicts does not make them go away. Many people who are most comfortable with avoiding conflict, may have little confidence in their own abilities to articulate their thoughts. Or they may have learned that avoidance is the best and most honorable way to go. But when someone lives a life of trying to avoid conflicts, they do catch up. And the consequent process of trying to avoid dealing with issues creates a lifestyle of fear. Not a recipe for a fully realized life well-lived.
People who are avoiders could be the result of cultures or micro cultures--and may have been learned early in life. 'Don't say something if you can't say something nice.' Its a pleasant thought. If taken to extremes, however, this saying can serve to repress individual's concerns and ideas. Children should be seen and not heard, an old fashioned phrase. It may have the effect of teaching us all to not advance our dilemmas and provides no guidance on how to interact when trying to discuss conflicting views. Boys will be boys, might be the kind of thought that diminishes all genders' abilities to consider each other's experiences and individually work things out due to stereotyped behaviors. We can do better with our young people.
Avoiding conflict is not...
This is not about small matters that are inconsequential. When people ignore, sidestep and give the benefit of a doubt for these small things, that's a choice. They can be exhibiting graciousness. Or saying to themselves, let's not sweat the small stuff. They could be drawing upon their own generosity. Or realizing there are bigger fish to fry. When someone decides, through a pragmatic thought process, to move on to bigger and better things, they are not avoiding. Instead they are making a thoughtful choice.
That goes for 'going to the balcony' to determine how to proceed and giving the situation a little space. "Most things resolve themselves," said my first boss and his wisdom has oftentimes been born out. Being too quick on the draw can lead to bigger and more difficult conflicts. The conflict resolution concept of the balcony is a strategy to buy time and make considered moves.
Being pragmatic and choosing to avoid can also be a healthy choice. If you have just been hired, and a conflict immediately arises, the employee might be smart to avoid the conflict while getting their bearings. Conflict with a powerful figure, let's say a citizen while interacting with police, would be a moment to avoid confronting or addressing a conflict. And dependent upon the individual's status in the society, they might decide to permanently avoid conflict issues in order to preserve their .
When is avoid conflict style a wise choice?
There are many situations in which compromise might be the best method. For example:
When an issue is trivial and other issues are more important or pressing -
When tattempts to deal with the problem will likely result in futility and may make matters worse.
When the potential cost of confronting the conflict outweighs the benefits in addressing it.
To buy time and give angry people an opportunity to "cool down" so that tensions can be reduced
To refrain from making a rushed decision and allow time to obtain more information or support -
When it is more appropriate for others to resolve the conflict - resist getting in the middle of conflicts that are better dealt with by other people.
When the issue at hand is tangential or a "smoke screen" for the real problem that needs to be addressed
Why are people Avoiders?
Why do people tend to avoid? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "A person who consistently takes an avoiding approach to dealing with disagreements has likely experienced life events which reinforced the notion that conflict is bad." Individuals who tend to avoid may have had a traumatic experience that causes them to go into the 'flight or freeze' part of the fight/flight/freeze trio.
There are services available to help people who feel stuck in the avoid gear. Professional counseling is best if this is considered a long standing psychological pattern that has deep roots. Mediation is, by its nature, a process that does not avoid the conflict. Just the process of telling someone you would like to work out a conflict, is a big step away from the avoiding style. For many people the process of conflict coaching can be an uplifting and enlightening process of working 1:1 with a conflict coach to add new tools to the conflict resolution toolbox.
Do this:
Read this article about the avoiding conflict style
If you tend to be an avoider, look to see if you can begin to work to resolve the smallest conflicts. Can you raise your concerns and put forward your ideas with a person you trust? Can you work toward a compromise with another person--its a start. Your interests are important and you might find that others want to hear from you and would be very willing to try to find a solution.
The avoid style in business, when it works and when it doesn't.
Go to the balcony video
William Ury is looking for the 18th camel, looking for the win/win. Video here.
OBJECTIFICATION AND DEHUMANIZATION - AT THE CORE OF BIAS, BLAME US/THEM THINKING, AND MANY CONFLICTS
What is Objectification and what does it have to do with Conflict?
In social philosophy, objectification is the act of treating a person as an object or a thing. It is part of dehumanization, the act of disavowing the humanity of others. Bias, the us & them thought process, othering and the blame & shame culture is connected to the concept of objectification. One person sees themselves as in one group and identifies others as in an another group. No problem. One person sees those who are in another group and that group is seen as things, not humans. That's objectification. Meaning that the group of people have been transformed, mentally, into objects. Once transformed into objects, its easy to allow bias and blame and shame and stereotype to go unchallenged. After all:
an object can't have feelings,
I can't empathize with an object
the object is a lessor thing than I am
all those things are alike.
Do I objectify any groups?
Usually objectification occurs with a lack of knowledge and/or with limited personal experience. Years ago I might have objectified people who live in a particular place. I had limited experience with people from that place and I accepted the stereotypes. My limited, almost non-existent knowledge became rigid and I acted as if the 'objects' (people from this place) were of lesser value in comparison to those who I considered to be fully formed individuals. I negatively objectified--dehumanized-- people from this place. How about you, as you search your experience, are there people or groups of people you might have dehumanized or objectified?
Here's what disintegrates objectification--knowledge and personal connection. In order to work against objectifying the people from that particular place, I spent some time in that place having real experiences. Here's a few other ways to undo objectifying groups of people:
Pick a role model from that group. My role model is....
Read about, see a documentary about, study the group...
Say to yourself 'I am a ...(fill in the blank of the objectified group) and the one thing I never want someone to say about me is....
Consider whether you yourself have ever been objectified by another person
Listen to people use the 'we' and 'they' terms (right about now the off-Island/on-Island 'we' and 'they' might be ripe for this)
Objectification and conflict
Sometimes in a conflict the core issue is not actually the topics on the table, but the underlying objectification between both people. This can happen in community cases between neighbors or in business relationships. Over time the conflict has developed because one or both of the disputants objectifies the other. They ascribe the difficulties they are having with the other person, as happening because they are part of the dehumanized group. People cannot resolve conflicts with an object--and so until the objectification is undone, its pretty difficult to make significant progress.
Mediators can sometimes detect objectification during mediation sessions, though we can't easily undo these hardened attitudes. When we say, "I'd like you to put yourself into the position of the other person, and describe the situation from that point of view." it can help to open someone's eyes to their objectification.
There's a lot more to this topic
We've just scratched the surface here. Take a look at some more writing on this topic.
Othering "belonging must begin by expanding the circle of human concern." article
Dehumanization "dehumanization is creating an enemy image..." article
Stereotyping, Bias, and Prejudice in Conflict Resolution powerpoint by Kenneth Cloke--international mediation expert
People are hard to hate close up. Get closer. Article by Brene Brown.
NEW ATTITUDE - DON’T ASSUME
Assumptions get in the way of conflict resolution
The life cycle of an assumption
"I know exactly what he is thinking." says the neighbor in the mediation session "Look at him, you can see it, just look at him." Or the client in a private session during a corporate facilitation session, "Can't you hear that in her voice, I know she is being dishonest. I can tell just by listening to her." Or, "They are out to get us, they are lining us up like pins and then, wham, here comes the bowling ball." says the employee in a contract negotiation.
All assumptions, and not helpful. I call it snapshot thinking, because in my view, what happens is that one person takes a snapshot and fills in all kinds of information that may or may not be true based on their biases, imagination, fear and limited experience. Boom. You've got a full-blown assumption. It started as a snapshot, a moment in time, and became a full blown epic story. And much of it is inaccurate and becomes a barrier to a peaceful resolution of the conflict.
Its hard for mediators, conflict coaches, facilitators and others in the conflict resolution field to deal with a client's hardened assumptions. Here's how the assumption is created. The individual takes in data. They pick through data selectively. They ascribe a meaning to the data. They believe the meaning they have settled on as true. They then pay attention only to what confirms their assumption.
Dissecting this assumption is sometimes the most important contribution a conflict resolution specialist can provide. In order to resolve a conflict, assumptions need to be put aside. Here's what it sounds like in a mediation--during a private session:
Mediator "So you have said that Robin only wants to hurt you."
Client "Yeah you can see it in their eyes. You see it too, I know you do."
"Well I'm wondering what it means to you that Robin is willing to be here in mediation."
"They are just trying to make me miserable, and they are enjoying how hard this is."
"Help me understand where you are coming from. Is there something Robin has done today that shows this?"
"No you are not going to see it, Robin is on their best behavior with you.
"Is there anything you could possibly see or hear from Robin that would help you to undo your assumption that Robin is out to hurt you?"
"No there is nothing that would show me that, nothing Robin can do would change my thinking."
The ladder of inference
Start at the bottom of the ladder. The information is real and easily documented. Its the meaning behind that information that becomes someone's assumption. Unless the person does research to determine whether their hypothesis is correct or in error - asks questions, keeps an open mind, considers multiple possibilities, knows that their first reaction is often inaccurate. Once you've climbed up the ladder, its hard to back down. Better to avoid making assumptions right from the beginning.
How you stop the ladder of inference from taking over your thought process? If you tend to jump to conclusions, it may be difficult to re-orient your habitual thinking. Some step-by-step challenges to try:
Take off your blinders and gather lots of information, some of it might seem contradictory at first. In the above scenario, the observable data was that Rashmi took sick leave. Push yourself to make a list, maybe of 10 different possibilities of what might be happening. All kinds of ideas, some can be unusual.
Imagine the other person, think about them sympathetically. Try to not jump to conclusions. What would they want you to be thinking?
When you have the opportunity (in this case that would take time until Rashmi returned to work) check things out with an open mind.
If you find yourself climbing the ladder, consider what part fear and/or lack of power might play in your reflexive loop. Is this assumption more about you and not the other person?
If you find yourself creating some epic story, start writing it as a fictional piece--change names to help yourself to clearly distance fiction from reality.
Do this:
The ladder of inference shows how your assumptions lead you through a reflexive loop where your assumptions are reinforced by your selective attention. Article
Cinnie Noble is my teacher in Conflict Coaching and her writing is written in a simple and profound way. Article
Felix from the Odd Couple teaches you (and the judge and Oscar) about what the word assume means. Video
If you missed Day 1 through 32 here they are:
Day 1 Thoughts about conflict https://conta.cc/3d565pG
Day 2 Conflict Styles https://conta.cc/38URE4h
Day 3 Listening https://conta.cc/38Z4rTj
Day 4 Feelings https://conta.cc/33uxop7
Day 5 Change yourself https://conta.cc/2wrCd6h
Day 8 Conflict stages https://conta.cc/2wA8rMG
Day 9 Learned conflict styles https://conta.cc/2y4ySup
Day 10 Accusations into questions https://conta.cc/2JgUy8U
Day 11 Underlying needs https://conta.cc/39j5AFd
Day 12 Slow your roll https://conta.cc/2WSFC95
Day 15 Bullying https://conta.cc/2QUXn3Z
Day 16 Accommodation Conflict Style https://conta.cc/3bE2L3g
Day 17 Using Neutral Language https://conta.cc/3dLDfuF
Day 18 Identity and Conflict https://conta.cc/3467oR2
Day 19 Conflict Bubble https://conta.cc/39Ig9BU
Day 22 Digital Conflict https://conta.cc/39Uop29
Day 23 Competing Conflict Style https://conta.cc/39UAcgF
Day 24 Analyzing Conflict https://conta.cc/2XkJ7W5
Day 25 Values and Conflict https://conta.cc/3c0wHXs
Day 26 No More Good/Bad https://conta.cc/2UXaFzd
Day 29 Conflict Services https://conta.cc/2XzUpGi
Day 30 Compromising Conflict Style https://conta.cc/3cjXoGI
Day 31 Tone of Voice https://conta.cc/3aeDgV7
Day 32 Power https://conta.cc/2wK0zbB
Day 33 Assumptions
Have a great weekend. Back on Monday. Thank all the deliverers--Postal service, UPS, Cape Cod Express, Meals on Wheels. Wash your hands folks!
Next Friday will be the last day of the Daily Working From Home message. By then there will have been thirty daily emails over forty days of shutdown. Beginning on April 28th we will be sending out new messages on Tuesday and Fridays--twice a week. Tell your friends to sign up.
Shameless plug for MVMP--pass it along if you know someone who needs our services.
Sara
CONFLICT COMPONENTS - POWER
Power in conflict resolution
Much below is excerpted/derived from Dissecting Power and How it Influences Conflict by Ellen Kandell
Power is the ability to influence an outcome or get a task completed. To understand power, it is vital to know the context in which it is being exerted and the other forces and influences in play. In the context of conflict, power is defined as the ability to get one’s needs met. For a conflict to exist each of those involved must have some degree of power and the ability to influence the outcome of the conflict.
Understanding Structural and Personal Power
Power is an elusive concept because it has so many manifestations. Everyone has many potential sources of power, most of which he or she is often unaware. Some are independent of the conflict while others can be enhanced or diminished by the process of conflict. Structural power is derived from the situation. One form of structural power is formal authority. Changes in structural power usually require systemic fixes. Personal power is inherent in the individual, their personal characteristics and traits. Personal power may come from communication skills, training or experience.
Key Types of Power
Formal: The authority given by an institution, by a set of laws or policies or by virtue of one’s position, such as school principal, board president or city council member.
Legal: Rights and choices defined by law or policy. Related are the resources a person has to pursue legal action.
Information: Data and knowledge. If one party to a conflict has information that the other doesn’t then they may have power in a conflict.
Association: This kind of power comes from the connection with other people or groups, such as political entities, trade associations or any other organization.
Resources: The ability to control resources whether tangible in the form of money, labor or time, or intangible, such as reputation and stamina, is a significant source of power
Rewards and sanctions: The ability to confer benefits or rewards and impose sanctions or penalties.
Morals: Power can flow from an appeal to the values, beliefs and ethics or from an attack on the values of those with whom you are in conflict.
Personal characteristics: This kind of power derives from an individual’s inherent make up, such as their perseverance, endurance, intelligence, communication skills, determination, and emotional and physical strength.
Some of these types of power are compatible with each other while others are not. For example:
A person with tangible resources may be effectively able to use the threat of a lawsuit to negotiate a settlement.
The use of an appeal to morals may not be effective if one doesn’t have personal characteristics to evoke this use of power.
In the workplace context, a manager may have formal authority based on her position which was obtained by virtue of her intellect but her power may be diminished if she doesn’t have the skills to manage people on her team.
The amount of power an individual has is less important than how effectively it is marshaled. According to Bernard Mayer in his book, The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution, “Sometimes it is important to use power to change a situation, and sometimes it is necessary to show a willingness to use power.” And sometimes is important to put clear power differences aside and create a more even playing field.
WEDNESDAY SKILLS - TONE OF VOICE
Add this tool to your toolbox
Your tone of voice can cause or calm a conflict
Tone of Voice
Try this. Say 'That's really interesting' in a normal and even-handed tone of voice. Now say it again in a bored tone. Now again in the way you would when you are surprised. Now try 'That's really interesting' with a sarcastic tone. What's the point? The same words can communicate a very different message dependent upon your tone of voice.
These days while we are doing so much communication remotely, we are missing out on much of the in-person body language we usually rely upon. Your tone is highly important to communicate effectively. Many conflicts are resolved or perpetuated by a tone of voice.
Your voice as a tool
You can improve your vocal tone and use your voice more effectively. Do you dislike hearing yourself on recordings? Most people do. Get over it, and start listening to yourself on recordings. Do you notice that you are using a sing-song cadence, and you would like to sound more even-handed? Give it a try. Have you been told you are too bossy and demanding? Listen to see if you can hear it in your recorded voice and try a new tone that is more inviting and collaborative. Would you like to speak more authoritatively? Work on having a more even tone and speaking more slowly. Would you like to use your voice to communicate kindness? Listen to see if you can hear yourself using tone that connotes kindness and caring.
Just like any tool, you can learn to use your voice better and more effectively. It starts with having a goal and intention, and setting forward on a journey toward improvement. And every journey begins with a single step or in this case a single word.
Conflict and vocal tone
This is a pretty surprising statistic. Some research indicates that between 80 and 90% of conflict is related to tone of voice. And under 10% is derived from the actual words. With so much riding on this one tool, it seems pretty important to pay attention to it and work to develop the tone of voice that you want to have.
If you have a conflict, this is an area to which you should pay close attention. Do you tend to have a higher or louder or more clipped and brusque tone of voice when you are in a conflict? There are things you can do to improve. Practice the tone of voice you would like to adopt. Record it and rehearse until you like what you hear. When you are stressed, work to speak more slowly and deliberately. Breathe. Then breathe again. When the adrenaline is flowing, it affects your vocal chords and this stress-filled voice will come across to the other person. You will want to consciously calm yourself so your voice can be a partner in conflict resolution and not a hindrance to the process.
Your voice reflects your thought process, more than you know. If you are angry, your voice will convey this emotion. That is fine if you choose to put this emotion across to the other person. But it should be a choice. You can train your voice to come across more even-handed and calm--it requires some self reflection and practice.
Individual vocal tone challenges
Everyone has a different set of vocal tone challenges. Have you heard from others that they notice something about your voice? Take this helpful feedback seriously. No one can change the actual mechanics of their vocal structure, but like any musical instrument, practice makes perfect and you can learn to use your vocal instrument more expertly. If you would like to be able to use your voice in the service of resolving conflicts, it can be done with some concerted effort.
Do this:
Record your voice. Do you like what you hear? Pick one specific goal that will help you come across in the way you intend. Keep recording. Or ask a partner to listen to you more carefully and give you feedback.
Ted talk about vocal tone and leadership,
Article about vocal tone and conflict in the workplace.
I TEND TO USE THE COMPROMISING CONFLICT STYLE
Using the Compromising Conflict Resolution style
In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.
Compromising conflict style is...
We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the compromising style, located smack in the middle of the the chart, then that's likely your go-to approach.
Compromising can be a great method to come to a more fair outcome in comparison with the Avoid, Compete and Accommodate styles. Its a big improvement over these approaches which end up with Lose/Win, Win/Lose or Lose/Lose outcomes. In this context we can say that Compromise is Win/Lose -Win/Lose--a little bit of both for both people.
Imposed Compromise
Many are familiar with the orange story. Here's a quick review. Two sisters want the last orange. They fight. Frustrated mom comes, hears the argument and takes her knife and slices the orange into two halves, handing half each to her two daughters.
Compromise? Well sort of. In this case, its an imposed compromise. The girls didn't resolve it themselves, it was decided by another person--a powerful third party acting as the decider. Fair outcome? Whether its fair or not is up to the disputants, not the decider, so we don't really know. They each got half of what they wanted, it was resolved quickly, bingo bango. We don't really know, because the two disputants didn't get to figure it out with each other. This is important in any conflict resolution process. Someone else deciding is not optimal---though sometimes necessary in the interest of time.
Self determined compromise
If possible, though, allowing those in the dispute to decide what's fair would be better. Preserving their self-determination. Instead of imposing a solution, a neutral mediator would work to help the the two sisters to talk and listen to each other and to begin understand the other's perspective. Through mediation they might come up with an entirely different outcome--and decide it is a fair one that they like. Or they themselves might decide to cut the orange in half and even thought they only would end up with half of what they wanted, it would have been their own compromise, made together through discussion. A compromise determined in this way can help to preserve or build a relationship.
When is compromising style a wise choice?
There are many situations in which compromise might be the best method. For example:
When differences have been discussed and its time to move on.
When it is unrealistic to totally satisfy everyone.
When the goals of both parties have equal importance and merit.
When the situation requires a quick resolution, even if temporary.
When there's no time/energy available for collaboration.
When "splitting the difference" is the fair and best solution.
When the value of maintaining relationships is more important.
When the parties can agree to disagree and live with the decision.
Thoughtful Compromisers
Why do people tend to compromise? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "These people are more likely to be objective in their assessment of differences and use factual information when weighing their options. Individuals with a thinking preference typically make pragmatic decisions based on deductive reasoning." Individuals who tend to compromise are aware of other's desires and are willing to engage in discussions to consider each other's ideas and interests. The idea of 'splitting the difference' appeals to their logical reasoning.
When is compromising not good?
Compromising is generally better than the other three styles mentioned previously. Talking it out and ending up with both individuals losing a little as well as winning a little sure seems like a pretty fair way to go. Right? Yet sometimes the material thing at the center of the dispute is not the real conflict--but a stand in for emotional or relational conflict. In this case the compromise may just delay the needed deeper discussion to get to the core of the conflict.
In the case of the sisters and the orange, a compromise was a quick but incomplete outcome. As those who know this classic story remember, the sisters wanted the orange for different purposes. One sister wanted to zest the peel for a baking project. With her half she had half the zest she needed and had to manage the baking with less. A win/lose. She threw the inner fruit away. Sister two had wanted to eat the orange fruit herself, and ended up eating half of what she wanted. A win/lose as well. Had the two sisters had the time and energy to talk the issue out, they would have learned this from each other. Both would have been able to collaborate and come up with a new outcome where both of them each got what they wanted. Having started each with the position, 'I want the whole orange!" they could have ended up with 'Both of us got exactly what we want." A Collaborative outcome--the conflict style that our organization tries to work toward when we mediate.
Do this:
Read this article about the compromising conflict style
If you tend to be an compromiser, look to see if you can push past the 'split the difference' quick fix. Can you collaborate on a new and creative way to resolve the conflict?
The compromise style in business, when it works and when it doesn't.
William Ury is looking for the 18th camel, looking for the win/win. Video here.
MATCHING THE RIGHT CONFLICT TO THE RIGHT SERVICES
Which conflicts are appropriate for which conflict services?
You may not have noticed it but we are all always swimming in conflict. We are so used to it, we don't notice that we have conflict all around. Its like the fish who encounters another fish who then asks "how's the water?" The first fish replies "water, what's water?"
Internal conflict, interpersonal conflict, workplace conflict, political conflict, spiritual conflict, historical conflict, international conflict, family conflict and on and on. There's a lot of conflict going around. Conflict can be depleting and demoralizing. In our work, we want to counter this common impression and to instead help people to see conflict as an opportunity to learn, grow, gain deeper understanding and to develop new innovation. Human history and development has been fueled by conflict and humanity's drive to overcome adversity. We have a hopeful approach to conflict.
Which services, systems and tools are the right ones for each different conflict job? Here's a quick overview.
Internal conflict
We all have internal conflict and there are various ways to make decisions. Most of us respond to internal conflict by puzzling it out on our own, weighing pros and cons, researching and giving our personal conflicts some time to become clear in our own minds. When a life pattern becomes a problem we might seek help from others such as support groups or friends and family. When difficult behavior patterns have negatively impacted the quality of our lives, a therapist, counselor or other professional can provide needed support. When patterns of handling conflict are the source of the internal conflict, conflict coaching can be helpful so the individual can work with a coach to develop new approaches to conflict.
Interpersonal Conflict
When a conflict arises that needs to be resolved between people, there is a continuum of how to handle that conflict. One individual involved can use conflict resolution strategies and reach out to the other person and negotiate a resolution. A trusted and neutral person can facilitate a discussion between the conflicting parties--creating a more positive environment for communication and shared understanding. Formal mediation may be needed, where a qualified and neutral mediator works with the disputants through a structured protocol.
When interpersonal conflict rises to a higher level, the process of conciliation/settlement conference can be the needed approach--usually within the legal framework and based upon law and legal precedents. Arbitration is a formal process that happens outside of court, but within the bounds of the legal system with an arbitrator--basically a privatized judge--deciding the outcome. At the farthest end of this continuum, we see court and legal rulings as the decision-making structure.
On this continuum (see below) we move from left to right, from fully self-determined to fully not self-determined outcomes. Picking the place to start is the important decision--unless you are looking for a legal ruling or to set a precedent in the law--farther over to the left would generally make the most sense. Community mediation programs can offer facilitation, mediation and conciliation services and help to empower the disputants and preserve their self determination.
Bullying, Harassment, Coercion and Manipulation
Last week we talked about bullying as a set of behaviors that are off the conflict resolution chart. Harassment, coercion and manipulation are there too--beyond the realm of conflict resolution services. These syndromes are based on the bully attempting to have power over another person--and these situations are not likely to be resolved through a solely mutual process. They must be handled by those in power, in alliance with the person being harmed. This is where the boss, principal, police and criminal justice system have to provide support for the intended victim. Once the situation is well in hand, the restorative justice system can be used in order to restore the dignity to the affected person and allow the offender to earn their way back to community acceptance.
Societal conflict
Public awareness, social movements, political involvement, community empowerment, economic advocacy, environmental activism are approaches to bigger and more structural conflicts in our world. Its important to pull the lens wider out to look at these societal conflicts in order to fill in the conflict picture. For those who are the targets of a structural system that causes discrimination and degradation, the individual conflicts are not easily solved in a case by case basis. The societal structure is the cause of the conflict. Looking back on social movements in the past that struggled to overcame such unfair structures, we can see that these movements are a part of the full spectrum of conflict resolution.
Do this:
Review the various services and methods of conflict resolution. Can you see places in your life and community where these services would be helpful?
Are you familiar with restorative justice? Here's a quick explanation. Restorative justice
What's mediation? Mediation
What's arbitration? Arbitration
What's conflict coaching? Conflict Coaching
Take a moment to look at all the conflict around you. Don't forget the political, economic and historical conflict upon which your life is built. Instead of hiding from conflict, try to find as many conflicts as you can. Write, draw or otherwise depict yourself swimming in conflict.
We are part of a statewide network of Massachusetts community mediation programs. Take a look. Resolution MA
NEW ATTITUDE - BANISH THE GOOD/BAD DUO
No More Good/Bad Binary
Right • Wrong
Wonderful • Despicable
Angelic • Devilish
Acceptable • Unacceptable
Right • Wrong
We've been taught to think of most things in terms of the binary. Meaning two. The unity of opposites. Ever heard these sayings, 'Two kinds of people in the world,' or 'There's a right way and a wrong way,' or 'Its not complicated, its either good or its bad.' We've all heard these ideas. Let's look at them a bit more closely and see what their effect is on our daily life and its inevitable conflicts.
This is not about opinion. You've got an opinion and want to call something good or bad , like 'beets are sooo good!' or 'no way, I can't stand collared shirts,' that's not what this is about. This point is about having inflexible, rigid and hardened judgemental thinking that divides things into the good and bad categories with a double line between.
Conflict and the good/bad binary
I've been doing conflict resolution and mediation for most of my adult life. And I'm not young. Fairly often I work with people who are operating with an unexamined belief in dividing human behavior into the good/bad piles. And they can't get themselves to move past that thinking to look at the actual, multidimensional person in front of them.
A homeowner has a renter who is behind on the rent. "I was always taught you should pay your debts." says the homeowner. The renter has had difficulties. Some of those problems might have been self inflicted. "I saw wine bottles in the trash. He can afford wine but can't pay the rent." The renter would like some time, would like to explain, is sorry. The homeowner ,in his good/bad system of thinking, can't move from his spot to expand his thought process and to consider working things out.
Somewhere in the "I was taught.." part of the dialogue is a belief that the speaker is good and the other person, in this case the renter, is bad. As a mediator it is hard to work with a person like this, because somehow throughout their life this person has developed a very binary way of thinking.
Conflict resolution--put the good/bad away for a while
If you've got a conflict, be aware of the looming good/bad shadow. Turn the lights on so this shadow doesn't impact your ability to see the whole picture. The thing is. everyone is good and bad and everything else at the same time. Its not two sides of a two dimensional coin. Try to push your judgement of the other person as 'bad' out of the way. Try to look at the complexity, and multi layered parts that are woven into the conflict. And if you find yourself judging; well then push past the binary. It sounds like this: "I was always taught you should pay your debts, but I don't always manage to do everything I was taught and I've made mistakes before. I'd like to know more about what happened and understand a little better."
If you want to perpetuate conflicts, then stick with the good/bad method. You can be sure to have lots of conflicts that way. If, however, you'd like to get better at resolving conflicts, consider abandoning the good/bad thinking. Open up a new door to the fascinating way of looking with an open mind toward others, without judgement and with interest in the complexity and unexpectedness of our fellow humans.
Do this:
No links or videos today, below are all the previous Working From Home topics. Feel free to share or revisit.
If you missed Day 1 through 25 check the previos blog posts
Have a great weekend. Thank your local farmer, the trash collector, Steamship workers and others who are in public service. And all the health care workers. Back on Monday.
I'm taking a staycation without the internet, phone or cable (well I think I might break down and watch netflix). No news all weekend! This is my gift to myself. Give yourself a gift, you deserve it.
