When people think about conflict, they usually think negatively. Our work is about moving conflict concepts away from the lose-lose mentality to a win-win one, where conflict becomes...
MV Mediation is pleased to announce a $2,500 grant from the Martha’s Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation to support the Youth Mediation Program and Peace Curriculum. The Peace Curriculum, developed by Executive Director Sara Barnes, is a 10-week conflict resolution and positive communication program designed to teach conflict resolution to the students of Martha’s Vineyard. Using integrative and hands-on activities, students learn to apply skills to resolve conflict in their day-to-day lives.
For forty years, our name has included the word program. It’s a perfectly good word. We use program with this meaning: plan of action to achieve a specific result. Starting when we became a program of the Edgartown Court in 1984, and going forward to the present, the word “program” has been there, indicating our plan to promote and provide mediation services, with the mission of helping individuals and organizations to resolve their conflicts amicably.
About 40 years ago, right around the time she began writing her seminal article The Logic Behind the Magic of Mediation, Albie Davis came to Martha’s Vineyard to help provide training for the court-sponsored program, which was then just one year old. In that journal article Davis wrote: “I’ve never mediated a case where I didn’t see a little piece of myself in each of the parties, the best and the worst of their qualities. I knew I could be in their shoes . . .”
We’ve all got families: birth, chosen, adoptive, step, nuclear, extended. Whatever type of family is yours, along with the joys and shared milestones, there’s sure to be a common factor: conflict. Although each family constellation is unique and special and may be united by love, respect, and shared values, all families do have some unresolved conflicts. In my experience, there are common family conflict themes. Money, communication, and time are three familiar topics.
How and when and where did you learn about how to handle conflicts? Most of us have learned our personal conflict management approaches from the modeling of others. Throughout your life you were watching, observing, considering, and trying out new methods and developing your own style as a conflict resolver.
It’s rough out there. Wars, atrocities, mass shootings, global warming, toxic polarization, free-floating anger and anxiety. We are often asked at MV Mediation about what we can do about world problems. Global conflicts and intractable societal problems weigh heavily on conflict resolvers’ minds just as they do for everyone. I thought that I’d offer approaches that have helped me, thinking they might help others during difficult times.
A number of years ago a friend was having difficulties with her son. I thought that watching the kind and firm dog trainer on TV might help her to learn how to stay more consistent and clear with her son. A few weeks later she had recorded a number of episodes, and her son asked her, “Are we getting a dog?”
Conflict and dispute resolution is a difficult process for folks to wrap their heads around. As mediators and other conflict resolution service providers seek help participants, they find themselves drawing upon various types of figurative and symbolic language. As Tammy Lenski, conflict resolution researcher and practitioner, writes: “The way we frame a problem has a powerful impact on the solutions we can see . . . metaphor(s) orients us differently to a conflict and influences how we think, act, and resolve it.”
Honeysuckle scent, sleeping late, warm days with no schedule, corn on the cob, fireflies. These describe my childhood memories of June freedom. I grew up in the Northeast of the United States, where the summer season was eagerly awaited throughout the cold and dank months. June freedom meant our lives were free and easy.
“My dad told me that if someone needs you, they call you, and if they need you, you go.” Most experienced mediators have said something similar to this quote from Jerry Roscoe. He is the mediator that was called in at the eleventh hour to the Dominion/Fox court case. If you haven’t been paying attention, the case settled at the very last minute, as attorneys were loading up their court slide decks and the jury was ready to be seated.
My sidekick NPR radio and I were driving to the boat. This followed a busy visit off-island to see family. On the radio was Jon Meacham, the historian, suggesting which historical era was most similar to the present day. “I thought that our current moment was like 1933 or 1968.” I started thinking about history. 1933––post financial crash, labor movement, and rise of fascism. 1968––civil rights, women’s movement, Vietnam. Interesting thought experiment.
I had no idea how revolutionary the times were. In 1972, I learned the Chinese saying “Women hold up half the sky.” It represented my dreams and aspirations. What an exciting picture from halfway around the world of women working and collaborating. This was not a world of men, but of men and women, each equal and valuable! The revelatory concept of having international sisters uplifted me and gave me hope.
For years my pin code was 2012—don’t worry I’ve changed it long ago. 2012 would be the mark of 30 years as a city educator, I would be the minimum age 55, eligible to retire and begin collecting my pension. The year seemed far, far away and then came astoundingly fast. On my birthday in 2012 I was prepared. My volunteer projects, PhD program, redecorating, search for a vacation home, dogs and family were sure to keep me busy.
Money. It’s likely to bring up immediate reactions. I’ve had a mixed-status life regarding attitudes about money. One of my parents came from the hands-off, polite-people-don’t-discuss money perspective. The other parent saw discussing money as fair game––“I got this at fifty percent off on sale!” As a teen I became aware of friends whose lives were impacted by the ever-present stressors of generational and situational poverty. In my twenties I was part of a collective where pooling our money was expected: What’s mine is yours.
