We’ve all got families: birth, chosen, adoptive, step, nuclear, extended. Whatever type of family is yours, along with the joys and shared milestones, there’s sure to be a common factor: conflict. Although each family constellation is unique and special and may be united by love, respect, and shared values, all families do have some unresolved conflicts. In my experience, there are common family conflict themes. Money, communication, and time are three familiar topics.
Money
Financial decisions often bring out challenges within families. Spend, save, share, splurge––who decides? Each family member’s history and understanding of finances contributes to the misunderstandings. Families that make time to have financial check-in discussions can proactively demystify money decisions. It’s helpful for a couple to talk these things out, checking how their shared values are enacted through finances.
Communication
The family communication system is the family’s circulatory system. As modern communication methods shift and change, keeping track of how communication is working for all family members is an important practice. Communication planning might best happen at a neutral time—not when a perceived violation is happening. So, the third time Grandma says, “Put those phones down and look at me!” is not the time to have a communication planning meeting.
Time
Families share space, food, experiences, money, and much more. How family members manage their time is often a source of conflict. Each family member wants time away from family members, time with other family members, and options for how that time is spent. The term “quality time” is a helpful concept for thinking about family and time. Planning to spend quality time with each family member requires some conscious attention and can go a long way toward handling conflict quickly and effectively. There are some common keys to quality time: put away your devices, ask questions to learn more about the other person, look for the positives, and have fun being together.
Handling Family Conflicts
One piece of advice, which I’ve learned the hard way, is that it is almost always better to work on a conflict as it arises. Conflicts that are avoided only turn into bigger messes over time.
We all have families. Doing family right is a hard journey that may last a lifetime. It is my sincere hope that your family conflicts are easily resolved and that the uniting aspect of the family is a joy and strength for you and yours. Here’s a toast to families—all kinds—strong and caring.
Click here for a longer version and a five-step approach to handling family conflicts yourself.
Sara Barnes