Monsters Are People, Too
I took advantage of the pause, “So you are the landlord and––” She cut me off. “Of course I’m the landlord, don’t you get it? She’s the monster. I’ve done everything right! She’s the one who caused this, all of this. She’s in the wrong! I’m out tens of thousands. Make her pay!”
After a long and challenging intake, we set her up with a mediation team, explaining that we don’t take sides, and that she and the tenant would be helped to talk and develop their own agreement. Fast forward: they did meet and come up with an agreement, the best they could do under the very charged circumstances. The mediators worked hard. It was not easy, but our mediators do work that is not easy every day. Now in looking back on this case, what I want to consider is what mediators can do when we hear about “monsters.”
Mediating with Monsters
A productive process can happen only if it is a conversation between those who acknowledge, at least minimally, each other’s humanity. If one party has dehumanized the other, such as categorizing them as unworthy of an equal human status, labeling them an animal, thinking of them as a nonliving object or a monster, mediation is going to be hard if not impossible. The mediator can stay optimistic, though, knowing that the mediation process may be able to create a productive atmosphere. In time and with a well-facilitated conversation, dehumanizing may begin to peel away.
Mediators may use one of the following techniques to help de-monster-ize:
Using even-handed and equalizing statements showing equality: Mary is concerned about X and Jill is concerned about Y.
Amplifying details that paint the person as a whole human: Repeating here that Jill has told us that she has been worried about this for many months and has found herself thinking about how to work this out.
Modeling kindness, respect, and positive acknowledgement to both participants: Really helpful comment, thanks. Or, Very clear and productive. Or, Thanks for that illuminating information.
Commenting that the discourse is improving, and that a partnership is developing: You two were having a very productive exchange there that seemed helpful and valuable to me as your mediator. Was it for you?
Sometimes despite the best efforts of the mediators to create an equitable and uplifting conflict resolution process, one party continues to treat the other with disdain and disrespect. The mediator could decide to end the mediation, recognizing that the process is likely to have a harmful effect. In my experience, this outcome of ending the mediation is exceedingly rare.
What is much more common is that once two people in conflict begin to talk, listen, reflect, and consider solutions, the two-dimensional dehumanizing dims while the “monster’s" full humanity begins to fill in a three-dimensional form. Monsters no more. Humans for the win.
A much longer version is here with many links and more tips for mediators.
