WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…
NO MORE SHAME AND BLAME
Want to fuel conflicts?
Try Shame
and Blame
He did it!
Its all your fault!
When I find the culprit I'm gonna...!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Here's the thing about employing the shame/blame dynamic duo. They don't solve the conflict. They don't analyze the problem. They don't help us to learn from our mistakes. They make people miserable and accomplishing next to nothing. They don't build trust. Blame and shame culture will harm any relationship or organization in short order. Blame and shame does nothing but make folks feel bad.
So why are we living in blame/shame culture? Its not entirely clear. There's some anthropological and historical conjecture about our species' approach toward individuals who veer from the group or who harm others. There does seem to be an epidemic going on. Present day self-help and support articles attempt to help people whose lives have been ruined by intensive blame/shame. For whatever reason it exists, let's move beyond it.
Blame/Shame use in conflict
Louise has a conflict with Marian. Louise says to Marian, You did this awful thing. Its all your fault!
What might be Louise's reason for saying that?
Louise wants to make Marian feel bad.
Louise wants to get Marian to take responsibility.
Louise is so angry and thinks saying this will make her feel better.
Louise has had others blame her and thinks that's what she should do.
No matter the reason Louise says it, it does not do any work in the conflict. By blaming Marian, she is shutting down any possibility for an open dialogue. Maybe Marian did do that awful thing. And how does blaming help the situation? Louise's blaming her puts her in a defensive position, having to protect herself or to hurt Louise back. And then? Nothing is accomplished.
Blame and shame have lifelong effects. Think of the times it has happened to you. Some have a childhood or adult full of blame/shame. It is a depleting and dehumanizing experience to be blamed and shamed.
The person is negatively affected. The blamer is also negatively impacted, in that the process leads to a dead end. Hurting others, making them feel bad about themselves, creating an atmosphere of fear does not build anything positive. Individuals who insist on blaming others, and in so doing shaming those who are targeted, tend to be power oriented and quick fix thinkers. In the end, they do not make things better.
So what to do?
If you want to resolve a conflict, move your thought process away from blame and toward problem solving. Can you ask a question? Can you listen? Can you find something to learn from the situation? Can you lend a willing ear to let the other person work things out, take responsibility, apologize, face their mistakes? People do not tend to open up when they think they are not safe. Be the safe person who is making a connection and trying to figure things out with the other person. Put the blame/shame away locked up tight. If this is the other person's worst day, don't you want to be the one who says, "We all make mistakes. I do too. Let's see what we can do to fix this."
In conflict resolution, the mediator, coach or facilitator has to work hard to move the person who is intent on blaming. Until they advance past blaming, a resolution is unlikely. Sometimes it takes asking the right question such as:
How could this problem be avoided in the future?
What can be done support learning from this experience?
What do you want from the other person, and what can they do to make it right?
Do you want to resolve this?
Try to do what you can, at least notice where blame/shame rears its ugly head and name it when you see it. Try this: "Let's not blame and shame. Instead lets look to the future and not try to hurt each other." Sometimes that's all it takes, to point things out for what they are.
Do this: