WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…
DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
In conflict situations,
try not to personalize
You have a conflict and are trying to sort it out. What can you take responsibility for and what does not really belong to you? You are trying to be honorable and honest with yourself and the other person--you might have been at fault for some of it. Is there something you can apologize for? What about the other person, do they have some responsibility too? Do they see things differently than you? Can you learn more by talking to the other person? To a trusted ally? What should you do?
One important thing to do is to try not to take it personally. In this context taking it personally refers to the negative self talk that can happen when we over-personalize difficult situations. Some of us can beat ourselves up. When you take things personally, your ability to resolve the conflict is dramatically diminished.
An example
Here's a story from the article linked below:
The other day I was in a building running an errand. As I walked through the lobby toward the exit, a woman I didn’t know walked past me. As she did she said, “Buenas”–which is a standard greeting–, and I answered, “Buenas”, and kept going. Then I heard the woman say: “You’re so rude. Learn some manners. When someone greets you, you should greet them back.”
I stopped and turned around, and I saw that the woman was talking to me. Obviously, she didn’t hear me when I answered her greeting. In addition, it was evident that she had concluded that I simply chose to ignore her, and she took it personally. Given her state of agitation, it was clear to me that she felt slighted. I told the woman that I had responded to her greeting, and it wasn’t my fault that she didn’t hear me. Then I left. What I really wanted to tell her was that she needed to learn how to stop taking things personally.
Whenever I walk into an elevator and there’s already someone in there, I say “Buenas”, because that’s a cultural practice in Latin America. Most of the time people answer my greeting. But sometimes they don’t. And when they don’t, I don’t take it personally.
In this story, it seems obvious that the quick public conflict was related to someone who was evaluating events through a super personalized lens. "Learn some manners..." is an assumption. It seems to come from a person who believes their immediate reading of a situation is fully accurate and worthy of comment. "When someone greets you...." indicating a grievance that comes from believing that someone has not treated this person respectfully. Quick to anger, quick to engage and in this case, inaccurate.
Reorient your thinking
Don Miguel Ruiz writes a lot about not taking things personally. He considers it to be one of four life rules for healthy living. He says, "Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are...(what)... they have in their own minds." We all have been negatively affected at one time or another by what others have said or done. The idea is to move through a kind of mental checklist in order to stay in reality and to work to be logical and thoughtful. A checklist like: I'm doing the best I can. Check. The other person may not see it the way I do. Check. What other explanations can there be? Check. Even if the other person doesn't do or say what I want, it may not be about me. Check.
Conflict and personalization
If you can move beyond taking things personally, you can be open to a new conflict narrative. You can be open to what is happening for the other person and be a learner. You can be self reflective and learn about yourself. You can be a willing partner in the process of working things out. Even if other people are personalizing the situation, you can have the intention of staying open and willing to be a creative thinker. This does not mean being a doormat. It means not internalizing others' opinions of you--or setting yourself up to be easily harmed by others. Hold to your own principles and stay open to what others can offer. Its not easy. In a conflict, don't take things personally.
Do this:
Watch a quick video showing the importance of this in workplace conflict video
Watch Oprah learn about not taking things personally video