Day 26: Identity
By: Sara Barnes
Identities and Conflicts are Related.
We all self-identify: Some of these identities are obvious, based on something inherent: 1980's baby, tall, youngest sibling. Other identities are based on our life choices: teacher, soccer player, parent.
Private identities may be only shared with those held close: fearful, morning person, snorer. People often look at others and assume an identity. Sometimes they are right. Sometimes wrong.
Think about challenges you have with other people. Difficult conflicts sometimes arise from friction about identity -- either a core identity such as ethnicity or generation or an integral identity that is perceived as not being respected or honored such as educated or good father.
As Harvard’s Program on Negotiation points out: "Identity-based disputes are often riddled with emotions and histories of distrust and animosity. Parties are not just fighting for their interests, but for their core identities and rights.”
If you're having conflicts with someone, take a look and see if the friction might be about self-identity -- either your own, the other person's, or both.
Some ideas of how to mitigate identity conflicts:
Don’t assume: One core practice that will go a long way to avoiding conflicts: don’t assume who others are – ask them.
Don’t dishonor: When others share their identity label, accept it without challenge.
Show respect: When others declare their identity, use that knowledge to know them better and understand their perspective.
Learn about others: Talk to others about how they identify, especially those with different backgrounds that you are less aware of.
Understand yourself: Pick out your identities and try prioritizing them. What identity is most important to you? What constitutes respect for you? What will cause a conflict?
Embrace diversity: Just because others have divergent identities doesn’t mean your identity is being challenged.
The world has room for us all. At this time of year when folks are getting together, bring your peacemaker-self to the party.
Show respect, curiosity and kindness toward others’ core identities and enjoy the human diversity all around you!
Happy Festivus, a secular holiday celebrated on December 23rd as an alternative to the commercialism of the holiday season.