WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…
CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY
Your identity and conflicts are related
Self identity
Tell me a bit about yourself. The question causes all of us to search through multiple identities. Parent? Spouse? Boomer? Immigrant? We all self-identify. Some of these identities are obvious, based on something out of our control: 1980s baby, tall, Spanish speaker. Others are based on our life choices: teacher, soccer player, parent. We all self identify and may have private identities that we only share with those who we hold close: fearful, stoic, snorer. As our lives move forward, our identities shift and change and we try our best to catch up
Public identity labels
Other people in our lives define us and ascribe identities to us that we accept or don't --or don't even know about: Smart, great organizer, good neighbor. Or not such nice identities: silly, unappealing, not one of us. Sally and Richard are best friends and do many things together. Often folks refer to each of them as husband or wife. People look, decide an identity and, without malice, label them as something other than they actually are.
The concept of othering is related to identity. This is when people set up an us and them binary. They turn a group of people, based on their identity, as the other. In a later posting we will focus on the concept of othering. For now let's just say, try hard not to do this. It's hurtful.
The conflict iceberg
The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where the values are in relationship with any conflict. Richard is strongly attached to his identity as, let's say, a Martha's Vineyard resident (nope- not getting into the washashore, Islander, lifelong vineyarder question--not me). Something comes up that challenges this identity. If Richard strongly connects to this aspect of his identity, the conflict will be a stronger conflict for him. If Richard sees his Martha's Vineyard residency as a minor part of who he is, the conflict might be a small one, or maybe not even a conflict at all.
We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's identity, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's see themselves and how their competing identities are playing out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so attached to an aspect of their identities. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See Slow your roll
Identity groups
When we teach conflict resolution, we do an activity related to identity. Group yourselves with others who share your identity as.... People put themselves into a small groups and chat together. What's great about being .....? What's not so great? What do you never want to hear anyone say about people who are ..... These conversations are enlightening. "I never knew that ... people didn't want to hear..." say some people who are not in the group. "I felt powerful talking with my co-.... about what is great about who we are." "We are all something and we are all not something." was the comment of one of the recent participants.
Do this:
Look at the identity wheel. Pick out your identities and try to put them into priority order. What identity is most important to you?
Explore intrapersonal, Interpersonal, Intergroup and Transpersonal Identities.
Talk to others in your life about how they identify. Try this especially with others who have different backgrounds that you are less aware of.
Watch Taiye Selasie talk about her complicated identity. Where are you a local? Local
