Shame and Blame
He did it!
Its all your fault!
When I find the culprit I'm gonna...!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Here's the thing about employing the shame/blame dynamic duo. They don't solve the conflict. They don't analyze the problem. They don't help us to learn from our mistakes. They don't build trust. They will harm an organization in short order. They do nothing but make folks feel miserable and will crash any relationship.
Louise and Marian work together. Louise has a conflict with Marian. Louise says to Marian something like, You did (this awful thing). Its all your fault! What do you think, is this statement going to make things better or worse?
What might be Louise's reason for saying making this statement?
Louise wants to make Marian feel bad.
Louise wants to get Marian to take responsibility.
Louise is so angry and thinks saying this will make her feel better.
Louise has had others blame her and thinks that's what she should do in this situation.
No matter the reason for blaming and shaming, one thing is abundantly clear: it does not do any work to resolve conflict, and does a fair amount of damage. By blaming Marian, Louise is shutting down any possibility for an open dialogue. Maybe Marian did do that awful thing. Maybe she would apologize or explain with a kinder approach. Blaming her puts Marian in a defensive position. Marian will move to protect herself or possibly take steps to hurt Louise back. And then? Nothing is accomplished.
The Blame and Shame Culture
So why are we living in blame/shame culture? Its not entirely clear. There does seem to be an epidemic going on. Anthropological and historical conjecture that our species' approach is to target individuals who veer from the group by using shame and blame. Our modern society offers better tools to help individuals to be the best they can be. Kindness, openness and describing how the awful thing affected us might be better approaches.
Present day self-help and support articles work to help those whose lives have been ruined by intensive blame/shame. Some have a childhood or adult full of it. Blame and shame have lifelong effects. Think of the times this has happened to you. It is a depleting and dehumanizing experience. “The only thing people learn from being blamed is to become better at hiding their mistakes.” If that's your goal, go ahead--blame and shame away. But if you want to create a positive, growth oriented culture, here's a great comparative figure showing the differences between an environment that is working toward mutual accountability and the blame/shame culture.
So what to do?
If you want to resolve a conflict, move your thought process away from blame and toward problem solving. Can you ask a question? Can you listen? Can you find something to learn from the situation? Can you lend a willing ear to let the other person work things out, take responsibility, apologize, face their mistakes? People do not tend to open up when they think they are not safe. Be the safe person who is making a connection with the other person. If this is the other person's worst day, don't you want to be the one who says, "We all make mistakes. I do too. Let's see what we can do to fix this."
In conflict resolution, the mediator, coach or facilitator has to work hard to move the person who is intent on blaming. Until they advance past blaming, a resolution is unlikely. Sometimes it takes asking the right question such as: How could this problem be avoided in the future? What can be done support learning from this experience? What do you want from the other person, and what can they do to make it right? Do you want to resolve this?
Try to do what you can, at least notice where blame/shame rears its ugly head and name it when you see it. Try this: "Let's not blame and shame. Instead lets look to the future and not try to hurt each other." Sometimes that's all it takes, to point things out for what they are.
— Sara Barnes, Executive Director