"I would like an apology."
"I think I'm due some kind of an apology."
"I really would like to hear some remorse or some apology."
Conflicts are not always fully resolved by an apology. A good apology, though, can go a long way toward building trust when a personal connection has gone in the wrong direction. Mediators and conflict coaches hear about apologies quite a bit. What we find is that often the disputants talk out their conflicts together, listen, and shift their thinking through the process. The apology usually comes toward the end of the mediation. This is when each participant reaches out to the other and says some version of "I just want to make sure I say sorry for my part in this."
The CLAMSHELL Conflict Coaching process walks the participant through a conflict scenario, thinking about what could have been done differently and planning for the future. Often our conflict coaching clients work with their coaches to craft the right way to offer an apology. Working one-on-one with a coach is a strengthening process. You or someone you know might benefit from coaching, so keep it in mind. It is hard to apologize, and apologizing effectively is not as easy as it sounds.
Apologize to yourself?
I've been thinking about another kind of apology: apologizing to oneself, maybe better known as giving ourselves a break. Lately I've been noticing so many folks who are beating themselves up about mistakes and unforeseen outcomes that are eating away at their own self-concept. Are you ruminating about things in the past you can't change? You are not alone.
A basic of all conflict resolution approaches is to look forward, not backward. Another theme is to have a growth mindset. When I find myself circling around the drain and beating myself up about something I wish I had done differently, I try to remember to get myself out of the rear view mirror and plot a course forward.
It is not easy. None of this stuff is easy. If you are looking to resolve a conflict, you might ask whether the person who needs the first apology is yourself. Give yourself a sincere apology, decide to grow and learn from the experience, plan to do better and learn from your mistakes. Then, move forward.
You can apologize better. Read about it in this blog and lots here from Tammy Lenski, my conflict resolution mentor, who has done some insightful writing about this topic.
— Sara Barnes, Executive Director