Day 18: Feelings
By: Sara Barnes
Figure out feelings. Understand conflict.
An important component of handling life's conflicts is paying attention to and reflecting on feelings -- the descriptive words to explain our reaction to core emotions such as joy, anger/rage, fear, surprise, or sadness.
Here’s the important part: we don't have conflicts if we don't care, and caring comes from an emotional place. If you're having a conflict, your emotions are inevitably tied up with some component of the conflict.
Make Friends with Feelings:
Feelings are an important component of what makes everyone human. Some of us have been taught that we should push down or ignore feelings and that any emotional expression indicates personal weakness. Nope. Our lifelong job is to identify, understand, and channel our own feelings. We are all responsible for what we do with our feelings. And we can't take responsibility without spending a bit of time examining our own personal emotional life.
Once you've self-reflected about your own feelings, consider the other person and take a similar inventory of their feelings: What might they be feeling? Why do you think that is so? Can you check to see if you are right?
Exploring feelings, with a light touch, both internally and with the other person, can help to set the stage for productive communication and problem solving.
Name that Feeling:
We describe our feelings using a myriad of vocabulary. Only the individual person can pick the accurate term. Naming an emotion has a powerful effect to clarify our narrative, which in turn has a big effect on how we approach challenges.When you're engaging in a difficult conversation, find the right place to insert your own feelings.
Here's a sometimes successful technique: Decide what you are feeling. Ask the other person, Would you like to know how I am feeling? If they say no, do not offer it. If they say yes, share it in a neutral and not blaming way.
Accept Other’s Feelings:
If another person tells you how they are feeling, accept it as entirely and fully true. Never deny someone is feeling the way they say they are feeling. On flip side, don't take responsibility for other's feelings. We are all responsible for our own feelings.
Other's actions affect us and may be the reason we are feeling a particular way. But, blaming others for how you feel is counterproductive. It does not help and sets up a lose-lose scenario. Notice your feelings, get to know yourself better, and let your self-understanding inform your approach to conflict resolution.