Day 32: Neutral Language
By: Sara Barnes
Language Matters: Paulo Freire, Brazilian educational theorist, famously said "language is not neutral."
Linguists agree with this: all language and even individual words have intention, shade of meaning, implication, and/or cultural effect.
Words Matter:
"It was that one word he kept saying over and over."
"She kept poking at the wound with her words."
"The conflict would die down and then they would blame me another time and it would just flare up stronger."
Words matter, particularly in conflict. Conflict accelerants such as
She always, or He is so stubborn, or They were being idiots can be reframed into more neutral language.
Focus on the Facts:
When someone talks about something the other person does that they don't like, they might start with she always... This beginning sounds like an attack.
You can revise that statement into something like:
I have noticed a pattern of...(whatever the disliked action is).
The nuance of this reframing is: the first phrase (she always) puts the recipient on the defensive, so remove it. The second (identifying a pattern) sounds like neutral information, or a report separated from judgment.
Listen to Your Words:
Some of us have never considered how our choice of words might affect others. Or maybe you or someone you know may think, 'well I'm just plain spoken, I call things as I see them.' It's possible to be a straightforward speaker and still deliver your message with neutrality.
Try Neutral Language:
Try rephrasing what you want to say by neutralizing the start of your sentence.
Instead of You always do... (whatever is not liked), rephrase it to I'm wondering if we can find a way together to avoid...
And here are some words to bypass, not because they're bad words, but because the recipient might interpret them as an attack, causing defensiveness and impeding resolution:
you
but
always
never
should
must
Reframing accelerant phrases:
(X) Is that really relevant?
--> Ok. The point I hear you making...
(X) What is your point?
--> Will you elaborate?
(X) I don't think that will work...
--> Is this do-able?
(X) If you're going to raise your voice, I won't listen to you...
--> I have a hard time hearing what you're saying when you raise your voice.
(X) I wasn't the one who...
--> Tell me more about that.
(X) I am not that way!
--> You're saying you experience me as...
(X) Why are you making this such a big deal?
--> This seems really important to you.
Of course, only use re-framing language suggestions if they come across to you as sincere and authentic.
Finding a way to use more neutral language that matches your personality and the situation can improve your chances of resolving conflicts.
Happy Hogmanay -- the Scots and Yorkshire celebration for the last day of the old year where dancing, bonfires and revelry happen.