Day 31: Arguing
By: Sara Barnes
For some, competitive verbal sparring is a way of life. Others might be uncomfortable with arguing.
Opinionated chatter is one thing, when the stakes a low. When strong disagreements arise within a relationship, workplace or family, though; what to do?
A fully fueled argument isn't productive. Why?
When people are highly charged, they often don’t choose words carefully.
Highly energized arguments trigger battle-like stances, particularly from more competitive types.
An argument, by nature, is driven by the idea of one side being right and one wrong, which can undermine mutual respect for divergent opinions.
Arguments favor those with quicker verbal skills and can create advantages for those who are power driven, diminishing those who are less verbal and more collaborative by nature.
Arguing over 'truth':
Many arguments are fueled by both sides’ ideas of what the 'truth' is. Each person’s sense of what happened is worth considering, and turning down the flame might help both to listen and understand the ‘truth’ as the other person experienced it.
Arguing over other’s failings: Particularly in relationships, arguments over mistakes or transgressions can be very hurtful. These types of discourses are more like attacks undergirded by one person wanting to prove they are better than the other.
Can you get out of an argument? Maybe.
If your conversation partner seems to be whipping up an argument, you can:
Extract yourself: Walk away to avoid accelerating the argument.
Delay and reframe: Say “I don’t want to argue, but I would be happy to have a calm chat, maybe at another time when things are not so charged.”
Don’t engage: Say “You have a point." of "I’m sure that’s what you think, for good reason." or "I’d like to hear more about that.” An arguer needs a sparring partner, and you don’t have to take that role. Avoid fighting back, be agreeable. Avoid sarcasm.
Change the subject: Switching the topic to a more productive one might be a better use of time.
Name it: Say “You seem to want to argue. I don’t think an argument will be good for us. Can we handle this another way?”
Social psychologist Peter Coleman has studied conflict discourse styles, and his research clearly points out what many have come to realize: arguments don’t get resolved by facts. Despite our best desire pose facts and arrive at the truth, in the end, emotions intrude and winning can become most important. People tend to select information that supports their views, ignoring contrary information. A series of psychological experiments suggest that people are biased toward confirming their existing beliefs. Coleman suggests there are 4 reasons why arguing about perceptions is almost always a losing battle:
(1) What’s the point? What are you hoping to gain?
(2) Both of your perceptions may be correct.
(3) You risk losing intimacy with the other person.
(4) People tend to become even more attached to their opinions when they have to defend them.
Coleman continues: “The thing to remember is that it takes time to get to a place where you can trust someone and enjoy them enough and have enough rapport to have a difficult conversation and say no, I completely disagree yet have them hear you and you hear them...Productive dialogue is a very counter cultural thing in America, right now. We just are not trained to do it...So we have to build up the muscle, the understanding and the capacity of incorporating dialogue, ideally first in these exchanges, so that people can get to a place where they can disagree and learn from it. If you don’t have experience with dialogue, and you want to understand or reach out across a difficult divide, there are great resources online, such as Princeton’s Bridging Divides Initiative, which has mapped thousands of groups dedicated to building bridges so that you can find one in your community.”
Let’s work toward engaging with others who have ideas and perspectives that differ from our own with conversation, dialogue, inquiry and positive discourse.
Happy Chalica, a seven-day celebration created in 2005 by Unitarian believers, celebrating the lighting of a chalice and honoring principles such as dignity, compassion and world peace.