After decades of work in the conflict resolution world, I've noticed there's something that happens quite often. Let's set up the scenario. An individual takes a conflict resolution class. They learn about an approach to conflict and begin to use the techniques. Try their best. And here's what their feedback sounds like:
I tried that approach. It doesn't work. My husband was supposed to do_______ ( fill in the blank)____. Instead he did _____(the opposite of what I thought/wanted/was trying to get him to do)_____. This conflict resolution stuff doesn't work!
Conflict resolution techniques are not manipulation or coercion. In fact they are the opposite. When we teach a new approach such as question construction or
detecting interests, better listening techniques, or using neutral language it's
not to work on the other person. We are working on ourselves. Building our tool box. Expanding our repertoire. Taking responsibility for our own part in the conflict and in making the world around us a better place.
You can't change anyone but yourself .
We've all tried. It doesn't work. This is the exciting and interesting part of human life. We never know what another person is going to do. We plan and strategize and outline. And then the other person does something unexpected. People are unpredictable. That's life.
In conflict resolution work, we work to create a reservoir of tools and techniques. To be a better conflict resolver. To make the conflicts in our lives go more smoothly and work toward mutually satisfying resolutions. What others do will impact us, and then we move on to plan B or C etc, etc. Try different tools and techniques. At the end of the day, we can only control our own actions and try to hone our own skills.
Who has had this thought?
If everyone would just do things just the way I think they should, the world would be a better place? I have. Putting up with other people who are doing what we think they shouldn't is a major challenge. It is a perfect time to practice the mantra I can't change anyone but myself. Is everyone else not taking things seriously? Use your best listening techniques to understand what they are thinking about. Are you confronting the inevitable conflicts that arise from newly arrived seasonal visitors? Try turning around the viewfinder to look at things from their point of view. Have you been hiding unresolved conflicts under the rug? Take the cover off, don't avoid, and tell the other person you want to try to work things out.
Put on your own mask before assisting others
We all know this metaphoric admonition. In the event of a loss of oxygen...adjust your own mask before attempting to assist others. Now is the time to work on what will help you. Take ten minutes to quietly meditate. Do internet research on active listening techniques. Watch TED talks on building cooperative problem solving. Garden. Sleep. Write. Reach out.
June is a happy celebration month. Pride celebrations. Juneteenth, Graduation. The sun, the daylight, the leafy greens. Take some time for yourself and those you love. Come find us if we can help.
— Sara Barnes, Executive Director