Mediation Musings: Summer 2022

A profound question

My conflict coach asked me a question. I didn't think much of it; she had been asking questions all along and we had developed a good rapport. As a first-time coaching client, I was enjoying the process. Shawra, my coach, had a nice tone to her voice. (The sessions were all by phone in those pre-Zoom days.) She seemed kind.

She would ask an open-ended question that made me think deeply. I started answering and would find myself going farther into aspects of the confounding conflict that had brought me to conflict coaching. Then she would pick up on something I had just said, ask a related question, and send me off on another thought journey. It was a seamless conversation. I felt comfortable. The questions made me think. All the while I didn't feel judged or in any way diminished. Shawra seemed to be genuinely interested and curious about my dilemma. I felt like we were a dynamic duo working to investigate a mystery. Shawra was on my side, and we were a team.

After that first coaching session I reflected on the one question she had asked me that dramatically opened up my thinking and helped me to see another way forward. I wondered to myself, Why didn't I think of that question myself? How did Shawra know to ask that particular question at that exact time? In future days that question became a central theme in my thinking. I carried out my plan that we had worked on together. It went well.

Conflict Coaching––a simple toolbox

Coaches have a small set of tools to use. The art and craft for conflict coaches is to pick up the right tool at the right time. If you're wondering what you would see if you were watching a conflict coaching session, it's pretty basic: two people together, talking. Conflict coaches do these things: listen, inquire, review, probe, notice patterns, take notes, encourage, document plans, cheerlead. It is remarkable how much can be accomplished with these seemingly common actions.

    Here are a few of the kinds of questions that coaches ask:

  • What brought you here?

  • Can you say more about that?

  • What do you think the other person would say about that?

  • Are you ready to start to make a plan?

  • What kind of support do you need to make progress with your plan?

  • Did you learn anything through this process?

What I've learned along the way, after that first coaching session with Shawra and now being a conflict coach myself, is that so much of coaching is about staying present with the other person. Listening. Believing in the capability of the client. Staying open. Putting your own ideas to the side. Simple ingredients that can lead to an experience of learning and growth. The coach does not map out the process in advance. Rather, they follow a set of components that are designed to be customized and adapted depending on what the client brings to the coaching process.

We could all use a coach

Everyone needs a coach sometimes. The coaching process is about building self-reflection into a circumstance where many find themselves stuck. It is rare to spend two one-hour sessions with someone who does not judge, does not advance their own agenda, and genuinely wants you to succeed. To have a kind and well-trained listener sit with you and share in your life's challenges is a gift.

When we suggest coaching, we make sure to explain that it is not therapy. Conflict Coaching is designed to help the client look at a situation with conflict analysis tools and move forward and make a self-determined plan. Sometimes coaching clients decide to pursue therapy, but the two processes use different tools and are based on different fields of study. Conflict Coaching, like all conflict resolution processes, is focused on looking forward, not back.

What was the question?

You may be wondering what magic question my conflict coach asked that changed my life. After so many years I really can't remember. Sorry. What I do remember is that her question was the result of carefully considered thinking coming from a smart coach who listened well, could think along with me, and noticed something I had not considered before. As coaches, that's what we live for––to hear from our client something like what I said to Shawra when I saw her again: "You asked me the exact right question at the exact right time, and I thank you for that."

— Sara Barnes, Executive Director