Conflict Coaching Can Work for You

Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator

Over this past year we have been building our Conflict Coaching service. MVMP has our own model called CLAMSHELL. In two hours of 1:1 coaching, participants can review a conflict scene, analyze many aspects of the conflict and develop a personalized plan for the future.

Who benefits from Conflict Coaching? Our clients are diverse. Some are:

• a divorcing mom who wants to not shut down when dealing with her ex partner

• a public official who wants be more effective when confronted with anger

• a mother of the groom to who wants to better handle an upcoming family wedding

• a wife who gets angry whenever she and her husband discuss an ongoing topic

• a supervisor who finds herself reactive to the actions of a particular employee

These conflicts are the stuff of everyday life. Our clients come to us seeking self improvement. They work with a caring and qualified coach who leads them through the coaching protocol.

The CLAMSHELL letters stand for the steps that happen sequentially as the coach and client move through the conflict coaching process.

• Clarify Goals

• Listen to conflict story

• Ask to understand

• Map the internal & external

• Survey mutuality

• Heartcheck & Reflect

• Explore Options & Rehearse

• Lock it in

• Look for Pearls

We have learned quite a bit over the last year from our Conflict Coaching clients. The close bonds between coaches and clients open up reflective dialogue. Here are a few important findings so far:

1:1 time

Just the process of sitting for two one hour sessions with another person, being listened to and treated with kindness has great value. For many clients, taking a break from busy lives, and focusing inward has powerful benefits.

Pick a conflict scene

Our process asks clients to set a goal and then pick a specific scene to review. The concise nature of picking one important conflict scene helps clients and coaches to focus in a targeted way. In two hours no one can change everything, but focusing closely on a well-defined incident has the benefit of helping the client to zoom in on the underlying forces behind the conflict.

Two sessions

The time between sessions provides time for participants to think things through and develop new perspectives. The second session is often the session where clients have revelations about conflicts in their life.

Mutuality

The beginning of the second session is when the coach leads the client to walk in the other person's shoes and to use the concept of mutuality. This tool is new ground for some people. Our coaches are excellent at helping their clients use this tool as a way to understand their own conflict situation.

If you know someone who you think could benefit from CLAMSHELL conflict coaching, please send them our way. Throughout 2020 we are providing the first two sessions free of charge, thanks to a grant from Newman's Own Foundation.

We can all use a assistance in dealing with conflicts--Conflict Coaching can be that helping hand.

Court or Mediation? How to decide?

Sara Barnes

Lead mediator

Some in the court room who are waiting for District Civil or Small Claims cases are thinking, I've got a good case, I'm going to win. When we offer them mediation, there are some who take us up on our offer. The mediators say to both, "Its a voluntary process. Everything you say is confidential and the mediators are neutral. Its up to you and the other party to come to a self-determined agreement. The mediators will help you write it up and the court can enter it as a judgement if that is what you wish."

Mediation is an empowering process--those involved use their own ideas about fairness and negotiate with each other. The mediator guides them through the interplay. Those involved in the conflict decide how to settle the matter. Usually the parties are able to come to a mutually agreeable settlement. We work with the goal of a win-win outcome.

In more cases than we would like to see, though, the parties reject mediation. They say something like, I know I am going to win. I have a good case. Its airtight, so I"ll just let the magistrate or judge decide because I know they will decide for me. And I will win. A win-lose concept.

Yet when we check back later, we see that many of these cases were decided in exactly the opposite way-- and that by rejecting mediation the party gave up their chance at a more favorable outcome. Why is that?

When two people of relatively good intentions try to figure out what's fair--its based on their own ideas. Sharing those ideas can be illuminating. Sometimes the previous poor communication and misunderstandings can be worked out quickly just by creating a mediation space to really listen to each other. The parties themselves, the experts in the situation, can come a mutually satisfactory outcome together. It takes time and willingness to listen and negotiate. But it works.

When cases come to our office, in advance of court days; or if we provide mediation in the court setting, parties do not lose their rights to be heard in court. If no agreement can be crafted in mediation, then parties can still go to court and present their case.

What does the court do? They judge or magistrate applies the law to the case as it is presented. Those in court may have little understanding of how the law has to be applied and may not know that what may seem to them to be obviously unfair, is found in the favor of the other party. If parties in a dispute want to leave the outcome in the hands of the court, and if they are willing to possibly lose everything, then starting out in district civil court or small claims make sense.

We at MVMP, along with the judge and clerk-magistrate, always suggest using mediation services first. We believe in the power and benefit of self determination and have found that mediated agreements can have other positive and uplifting effects for those who participate. In the end, those in mediation usually find that it is an empowering process. Maybe frustrating and emotionally draining, but an overall strong and meaningful experience. For many, going to court can seem dis-empowering.

Our hope, of course, is for these cases to come to the Mediation program long before they end up in court. Call our office if you can't work it out yourself. "I tried to mediate it myself" was said by a defendant in court last month. This statement shows a misunderstanding. Mediation involves a neutral and qualified third party. As Judge Barnes, our new District Court Judge says, "If you tried to mediate yourself, you did the opposite of mediation. You can't do it yourself, you need to use the mediators. They are the best in Dukes County and they know how to help."

Our Year in Review

Our Year in Review

Christina Simmons, Board Member

With the year wrapping up and looking ahead to the future this is a chance to take a step back and reflect on all that we have accomplished. 2019 was a big year for MV Mediation Program. Part of our mission is to use education to encourage constructive dispute resolution. We are proud to have promoted our mission through education and in 2019 expanded our educational programs. 

Our educational programs and trainings grow both in the number of trainings and also in the variety of trainings offered. We were able to offer seven programs and courses with most trainings taking place over the course of many weeks. We were also happy to co-sponsor many of these programs with other local organizations such as the Chamber of Commerce, the YMCA and local libraries. Here is a sampling of what we offered:

·     Mediators Saturdays—Ongoing get togethers for mediators and apprentices to share best practices and build professional mediation skills.

·     Conflict Coaching Training—A 15 hour qualification for new Conflict Coaches with an additional apprenticeship process.

·     Introduction to Mediation Course—Offered in both the spring and fall each session was a 40 hour training and apprenticeship for MA qualified mediators.

·     Spring and Fall Workplace Conflict Workshops—Seven two-hour workshops to support employees, managers and others in creating a healthy workplace with positive approaches to conflict resolution.

 ·     Fall Conflict Management Cohort Course—20 hour course for Supervisors and Managers to develop proactive approaches to conflicts in the workplace.

 ·     Landlord Tenant Workshop—A two hour workshop for landlords and tenants to resolve conflicts and avoid problems with tenancies.

We are working to develop programming for 2020 that meets the needs of our community. There are already an exciting array of offerings. Look above and register on our website or by calling our office.

Do you have an idea of what kind of educational topics we should be developing? Drop us a line and let us know what you would like to learn more about the in the areas of conflict resolution and alternative dispute resolution.

January Mediation Musings

Building Community:

Talking about our Conflicts at Work

It’s a snowy, icy morning and the roads were difficult. Stomping the snow off our feet we greet each other. "You made it!" "Get some coffee and warm up." " I'm waiting to hear what happened with that situation from last week." "How is your son feeling?"

The greetings come from the cohort members who have been meeting together every Tuesday morning before work. Its the seventh session of the course and the members have decided to add two extra sessions on. "We need all the help we can get. And I get a lot from these discussions," said one participant.

This group has built a supportive community, talking about a topic that many shy away from: workplace conflict. Every Tuesday, a member presents a case study focused on a conflict at their work. They describe the situation, suggest what kind of feedback they are seeking and listen to the ideas of the other cohort members. With kindness, participants point out conflict management tools that might be helpful, notice patterns, suggest rephrasing or improved body language. The case study presenter leaves with lots of feedback and ideas to try out.

These are all supervisors, managers, business owners or staff members who want to improve how they handle conflicts. We use a self help text to pick up new ideas and I, as the facilitator, move things along and teach new concepts. But the glue that holds the whole thing together, is the individual stories and dilemmas that we all share with each other.

At the beginning of the course, we pledge confidentiality throughout the course and beyond, knowing that privacy is so important on this small island. Side conversations and partnerships arise. "Its amazing how, even though we are all in different businesses, we all are having the same problems," pointed out one participant.

This week one of our members shared their successes, following up on a situation described previously. "I kept quiet, I listened. I really tried to curb my judgement. And I didn't take it personally," The group gives lots of encouragement and congratulations. We know how hard it is to change habits and adopt new practices. And now we know its easier to do when you have a cadre of others who are working to do the same thing.

As the facilitator, I too gain new insights. I may have taught conflict resolution over many decades, but there is always so much more to learn and think about. Its an honor to spend my Tuesday mornings working with this group of Island leaders who are working to add more tools to their conflict resolution toolbox.

Sara Barnes

Lead Mediator

December Mediation Musings

 

MVMP is part of a network of Massachusetts Community mediation programs--MOPC Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration.

Our Program Director wrote the following:

Hi everyone,

It has become something of a tradition now for me to send out a note of thanks to mark this peculiarly American and wonderful holiday of Thanksgiving. I am thinking particularly about things to be grateful for and the importance of valuing those around you.

So with that in mind I want to acknowledge an amazing year of progress and transition for many and also the extreme amount of hard work put in to manage these changes.  For those interested in such things:

·       3330 mediations 72.68% of which reached agreement

·       Outreach carried out to 19,310 at 449 outreach events

·       35 basic mediation trainings and 219 specialized trainings

·       93% of participants happy with the process and 90% would recommend to someone else

·       Nearly 50% of participants reporting thought that mediation had built their skills, improved communication and reduced conflict/stress

·       3 new centers were brought into the re-entry program

·       A new Probate and Family Court pilot was begun

·       We conducted a successful conference with the Trial Court

·       Many were trained in conflict coaching and are now offering services

I could go on and on, but for those less interested in numbers and more interested in the feeling the work generates, you can know that everything that was achieved was done in collaboration and friendship. 

While you are sitting with your turkey, nut roast or protesting against the holiday as a colonialist relic, I hope you are not thinking about work.  However you can bask in some of the successes of the past year and be grateful for your role as peacemakers.  Thank you so much for everything you do.

Yours in solidarity

Ros

Rosalind Cresswell,

Program Manager, MOPC

Giving Tuesday

GIVING TUESDAY

Nancy Grundman, Program Coordinator

Giving Tuesday occurs the Tuesday following Thanksgiving. This year it falls on December 3. It is a day to say thank you to the non-profit organizations that make our community better. At MVMP, we are a tiny non-profit organization doing big things for the Island Community and we have been hard at work expanding our services. Our sliding fee scale means we turn no one away for inability to pay.

Here’s how our community projects have shown meaningful impact:

Workplace Conflict: A spring three-part workshop is now being repeated due to additional demand. A weekly workplace conflict management cohort is an additional program for supervisors and managers. All are co-sponsored by the MV Chamber of Commerce.

Family and Divorce mediation: These services have grown steadily as we provide Islanders with an affordable, self-determined and collaborative process for healthy separation, divorce and/or parenting planning. Contributions to the Family Fund keeps these services affordable.

Conflict Coaching: A new service available through generous support of the Newman’s Foundation. Two one-hour sessions of free 1:1 Conflict Coaching are available for any community member.

Volunteer mediators: We are present at every Small Claims Court session. As a state-approved Community Mediation Center, court referred cases receive free mediation services.

Consultative and facilitation services: Non-profit Boards, governmental entities, organizations and businesses receive individualized support based on their needs for conflict resolution services.

Conflict Resolution Courses: These are available to the Community including Introduction to Mediation and Introduction to Conflict Coaching. Individually tailored programs can be developed.

Youth Mediation: Training for youth aged 13-22 is free of charge and participants receive a stipend. The MVMP Youth Program is a partnership with the Aquinnah Cultural Center. Your contributions to the Youth Grant Fund will help to keep this project advancing.

Think of us on Giving Tuesday--or any day. We will make good use of your contributions.

November Mediation Musings

Workplace Conflict: You need more tools in your tool bag

Ugh I have to go to work. 

Thank god Its Friday. 

No one died wanting more days at work.

Our culture is full of all kinds of negative messages about work and working. Here on the Vineyard we would all like to be happily following our passions and living the dream. But the reality for many is that work is stressful and depleting.

Its not the conflicts that one successfully resolves that eat away at us. We are likely proud of our efforts when we solve a conflict. We likely see the result as an accomplishment. Resolved conflicts can build us up and make us feel strong enough to face the next challenge.

It’s the ones that got away, the arguments left unfinished, the patterns that never change, the unaddressed unfairness, the interpersonal difficulties never settled. These are the conflicts that make us miserable at work. If you ever stayed up at night chewing over a work situation and dreaded the morning alarm, unresolved conflict may be the explanation. 

MVMP has been working to help. In partnership with the Chamber of Commerce and Oak Bluffs Library we are now presenting our sixth of seven 2019 lunchtime workplace conflict workshops. Upcoming is Toxic Workplaces on November 14 and Team building on December 12. We will probably repeat the series in the spring.

We also offer a course on workplace conflict that meets weekly. On Tuesday mornings, a cohort of managers and supervisors meet in a private ongoing course to discuss a professional conflict management text and offer each other suggestions and ideas about handling workplace conflicts. This group will complete their ten sessions in December. Participants earn a certificate in workplace conflict management. The next course will be offered for new members at the end of January.

Knowledge about how to analyze conflict, manage emotions and use effective dispute resolution tools can help all of us. We spend so much of our time at work and yet most of us don’t have enough strategies to effectively resolve conflicts. MVMP is honored to be able to offer some assistance for community members. It is our hope that our efforts will help to make Martha’s Vineyard a happier more productive place—a place where our work lives can be a component of ‘living the dream.’

Sara Barnes,

President and Lead Mediator

Conflict Resolution Day is a Huge Opportunity

CONFLICT RESOLUTION DAY IS A HUGE OPPORTUNITY

Mediation Settlement Day

 Ken Andrichik, MVMP Board Member

Mediation Settlement Day was born in 2001 and grew in popularity. Bar Associations, community-based organizations, and court programs, along with Law Schools and Universities joined in support. Throughout, organizations conduct special programming to promote mediation and educate potential parties and attorneys about the mediation process. In New York, the 7 World Trade Center lobby, the Mid-Hudson Bridge, and Niagara Falls were lit in blue to commemorate the day!

In my former role as director of a national mediation program, we recognized Mediation Settlement Month. We reduced or eliminated administrative fees and mediators agreed to lower their fees. This “sale” on mediation every October gave staff administrators a brand new reason to contact the parties. Mediation at bargain prices!

 The aim is to encourage parties to try mediation for the first time and to reinforce its value and effectiveness to those who have benefited from mediation previously. Other organizations coordinated efforts with Conflict Resolution Day, the third Thursday of every October.

For MVMP, Conflict Resolution Day offers an outstanding opportunity to remind Islanders about the breadth of our services and the benefits of peaceful, collaborative conflict resolution. Tell your friends and neighbors that MVMP offers valuable resources to individuals, families, and business owners. We provide education to help organizations manage and prevent workplace conflicts. We guide young people on techniques to resolve disputes with their peers. We have a fabulous story to tell and Conflict Resolution Day gives us the perfect “excuse” to start up a conversation about our services.

Several board members will hand out flyers and brochures at the courthouse and local grocery stores. I encourage board members, mediators, volunteers and MVMP supporters to pitch in at one of these outlets of just get some flyers to hand to folks you encounter on that day.

Mediation Musings: Every Day is Conflict Resolution Day

by, Sara Barnes, President and Lead Mediator

October 17, 2019 is a worldwide celebration of Conflict Resolution Day. In Massachusetts the legislature has declared the week of October 14-18 Conflict Resolution Week.

Every day is conflict resolution day at Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program. Here are a few happenings from last week.

• Working on the Youth Mediation Program—creating partnerships with a youth organization so our mediators have a confidential setting for mediation services.

• Answering inquiries from numerous individuals and organizations who are seeking mediation, facilitation or conflict coaching services.

• Interacting with various divorcing couples and our in-house lawyer who prepares the court packets, in order to finalize divorce documents.

• Workplace conflict session #2 with a cohort of supervisors and managers who are working their way through a published conflict management text.

• Preparation of our quarterly reports to the offices of the Attorney General, District Court, Probate/Family Court and Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration.

• Discussion with a sister mediation organization in order to consider a partnership on a complicated project.

• Preparation for the twice-yearly Introduction to Mediation course fielding inquiries and preparing materials.

• Drop by from a friend of the organization who was thinking about getting involved in MVMP.

• Meeting of the Conflict Coaches to develop their campaign to promote this free service for Martha’s Vineyard residents.

Sometimes we feel like we are in a tiny boat paddling hard against prevailing winds that push in the opposite direction. Your support and belief in our mission—to encourage and assist all residents of Dukes County to resolve conflicts through mediation and other constructive dispute resolution tools—keeps us afloat.

On October 17 we will celebrate Conflict Resolution Day, joining with thousands across the globe who take one day to lift up the notions that conflict resolution is the way forward toward peace and understanding. Add this one on to your list of holidays. Celebrate with MVMP.

Youth Project with the Aquinnah Cultural Center

YOUTH PROJECT WITH AQUINNAH CULTURAL CENTER 

Sarah Safford, MVMP Youth Coordinator

Our first youth training took place in June. It was very successful with 12 youth mediators completing the course. Learning about conflict, Wampanoag legacy as conflict resolvers, listening skills and the negotiation process these youth mediators were amazing!

Over the summer we also worked on a Youth Mediation Role Play video including a scene of conflict on the water.The edited video will be available on Vimeo to be used as an instructional tool for future Youth trainings. We want to thank MVTV for their support in making this and other videos.

The other part of our Youth Project involved the young people doing historical research and interviews with Wampanoag elders on traditions of conflict resolution. One of the youth mediators assisted in the oral history interviews and eight Wampanoag elders participated.  

These interviews are currently being edited and will be available for the ACC to use in their educational programs and exhibits. 

Future plans include establishing a regular weekly presence at Alex's Place, the teen center at the YMCA across the street from the high school. We have a commitment from the Y staff to support any mediation activities we want to offer.

Our new Youth Liaison Intern, will assist with recruiting for the next youth training session to be held in November /December and along with me, Sarah S, will be doing outreach to schools, PTAs, and community organizations across the island. 

October Mediation Musings

Conflict Resolution Day: Every Day at MVMP

 Sara Barnes,

President and Lead Mediator

October 17, 2019 is a worldwide celebration of Conflict Resolution Day. In Massachusetts the legislature has declared the week of October 14-18 Conflict Resolution Week.

Everyday is conflict resolution day at Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program. Here are a few happenings from last week. 

·       Working on the Youth Mediation Program—creating partnerships with a youth organization so our mediators have a confidential setting for mediation services.

·       Answering inquiries from numerous individuals and organizations who are seeking mediation, facilitation or conflict coaching services.

·       Interacting with various divorcing couples and our in-house lawyer who prepares the court packets, in order to finalize divorce documents.

·       Workplace conflict session #2 with a cohort of supervisors and managers who are working their way through a published conflict management text.

·       Preparation of our quarterly reports to the offices of the Attorney General, District Court, Probate/Family Court and Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration.

·       Discussion with a sister mediation organization in order to consider a partnership on a complicated project.

·       Preparation for the twice-yearly Introduction to Mediation course fielding inquiries and preparing materials.

·       Drop by from a friend of the organization who was thinking about getting involved in MVMP.

·       Meeting of the Conflict Coaches to develop their campaign to promote this free service for Martha’s Vineyard residents.

Sometimes we feel like we are in a tiny boat paddling hard against prevailing winds that push in the opposite direction. Your support and belief in our mission—to encourage and assist all residents of Dukes County to resolve conflicts through mediation and other constructive dispute resolution tools—keeps us afloat.  

On October 17 we will celebrate Conflict Resolution Day, joining with thousands across the globe who take one day to lift up the notions that conflict resolution is the way forward toward peace and understanding. Add this one on to your list of holidays. Celebrate with MVMP.

Workplace Conflict Workshops and Management Course

WORKPLACE CONFLICT WORKSHOPS AND MANAGEMENT COURSE

We are excited to be hosting two series about conflict in the workplace. Many local businesses over the years have sought out assistance with conflict they have encountered. In response we have created, in partnership with the MV Chamber of Commerce, two different series designed to help island business deal with daily conflict issues.

The first is a series of free lunchtime workshops co-sponsored by the MV Chamber of Commerce. These will cover the following topics:

·       creating a conflict positive workplace

·       conflict management action planning,

·       toxic workplace-what to do?

·       team building in a healthy workplace.

These 90 minute long workshops will send participants off with do-able tips and strategies to assist workplace conflict management. See above for schedule.

The second workplace conflict offering is a 8 session course on Workplace Conflict Management. This is designed for Vineyard managers and supervisors. The cohort will collaboratively review a workplace conflict management book. Participants will receive support and insight into their own business dilemmas through a case study model. This course is co-sponsored by the MV Chamber of Commerce and the YMCA. Call/email to register.



September Mediation Musings

At least one, if not all of our principles: Confidentiality, Voluntariness, Neutrality and Self-Determination; function as guide stars for each service we offer. It's good to have principles to hold on to when we do mediation, facilitation, conflict coaching or educational work. These principles unite our organization and provide us with shared core values.

Communicate Carefully might well be considered another one of our principles because we know that successful practitioners in the conflict resolution field are precise and thoughtful in their communication. Choosing the right word or phrase, listening carefully, matching cadence and tone, being aware of how messages can be put in a more effective way, studying language and usage-- all are ways we can become more expert communicators. I found this article to be a great read in this regard. I hope you enjoy it and learn from it as I have. 

Will we see you at one of our many upcoming activities? Workplace conflict is a big focus for the coming months. The Youth Project continues with two videos being edited and mediation services for youth now available with our newly trained Youth Mediators. The Introduction to Mediation course begins on October 3. We are, as usual, providing conflict resolution services to individuals and organizations as we continue to serve our community. We are scheduling into November and December now because we are so busy!

Thanks for your great support for our work.

Sara Barnes, President MVMP