WEDNESDAY SKILLS - ANALYZING CONFLICT

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - ANALYZING CONFLICT

Add this tool to your toolbox

Use a conflict analysis checklist to understand a conflict

Analyze Conflict

Like any area of study, conflict can be analyzed. In the case of the do-it-yourself conflict analysis model, it comes in the form of a checklist. Each bullet point is an area to think about, gather related data and consider ideas beyond your first impression.

When you are thinking about the different ideas on the conflict analysis checklist, take some uninterrupted time to think a bit more deeply than usual. For some, writing ideas out can help. For others, drawing what they come up with is another way. Some people thrive on verbalizing--record your ideas into your phone or recorder.

Pick a conflict that really has you stumped. Use the conflict analysis checklist and work your way through it. Put it aside for a day. Pull it out a day or more later and think about any new ideas. One really interesting process is to do this before bed. The sleep on it lore has real merit. Your brain keeps functioning during sleep and you might wake with a new perspective on a problem.

Conflict Analysis checklist

Step One. Begin by figuring out what happened.

• What is the story?

• What is the backstory?

• Where are things now?

Step Two. Try to remove your initial bias, judgements or assumptions.

• Open up to the possibility that your first reaction might be entirely wrong.

• Are you biased? Toward or against what?

• Have you already made a judgment? Can you put your judgement aside?

• What are your assumptions? Can you put your assumption aside?

Step Three. Define the conflict topics

• The conflict is about...

Step Four. Find the conflict trigger

• What was the the conflict trigger, the moment when you knew this was a conflict that matters to you?

Step Five: Figure out each person's goals

• My goals in this conflict are...

• The other person's goals in this conflict are...

Step Six: Look at the conflict through three lenses.

• This conflict is related to my needs in the following way...

• This conflict is related to my values in the following way...

• This conflict is related to my self-identity in the following way...

Step Seven. Consider the power relationship

• My power base in this conflict comes from...

• My lack of power in this conflict is related to...

• Power for the other person is connected to...

Step Eight. My conflict theory about why this conflict is happening

• I think this conflict is happening because…

What do you know now?

That's it

Wait that's it? After I answer all these questions and think about all these aspects of conflict, what's the answer? That's what analysis helps with, thinking about your own approach and opening new ways of looking at a conflict that has stumped you. The above concepts are components of each important conflict. By going through the checklist, the idea is to see new ways of handling conflict. In the process you are able to open up to creative possibilities and new ways of going forward.

Conflict Coaching services

Martha's Vineyard Mediation and many other community mediation programs have Conflict Coaching available for those who want help in analyzing conflict. In our CLAMSHELL model we work 1:1 with clients over the course of two one-hour sessions, to work through the process of analyzing a particular conflict scenario. The goal is for the client to leave with a clear and self-determined plan to improve their approach to conflict. If you would benefit from working with a Conflict Coach, reach out to schedule an appointment, or to ask questions.

Do this:

• There are lots of ways to analyze conflict, try some other approaches Conflict analysis approaches Its a pretty long article but if you page through there are few fun exercises.

• Really interesting TED talk about conflict resolution--engaging conflict intentionally. This talk is a real treat, give it 10 minutes, you'll enjoy Robin Funsten's presentation.

• Build your relationship with the person with whom you have conflict. You're stuck at home together, why not? Pick a conflict and go through the checklist independently and then share your responses.

Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

I TEND TO USE THE COMPETING STYLE

Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Competition conflict style is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the competition style, located in upper left corner, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Everyone competes at times and it's great to have friendly competition--life is a challenge and sometimes we are in the situation where we are challenged to get ahead, win against all odds, drive to the top. For some people, though, the competitive style is the only way they know to approach conflict.

When is competitive conflict style a wise choice?

There are situations in which competition might be deemed to be the best method. For example:

• when there are personal differences that not likely to change

• when preserving relationships is not critical

• when others are likely to take advantage of noncompetitive behavior

• when conflict resolution is urgent; when decision is vital in crisis

• when unpopular decisions need to be implemented

Deciding to compete, while having other options from which to choose, can be an empowering choice and can resolve conflict.

Excessive Competing

Why do people tend to compete? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "The strategy of “competing” as a means of gaining power and control stems from early childhood and is reinforced throughout our years in school and college. Many children learn that they can obtain material objects as well as social control over people by using assertive, demanding or aggressive behavior. As they mature they use their talent to compete to “be the best”... or to socially compete to be popular and have status among peers. Some youth learn to deal with disagreements by persuading others to accept their position. Others use power negatively in the form of arguments, threats, intimidation, or physical fighting." As well, individuals who are targeted by prejudice or discrimination may develop competing as a coping mechanism for survival purposes.

When is competition not good?

If competition is the only way an individual knows to resolve conflict, it's a problem. If exclusively competing, the individual is putting their own needs ahead and above the other person's needs. Treating one's own needs as superior is not right. Everyone's voice should be heard and ideas should be shared and considered.

If you tend to be the kind of person who only competes, the idea is to develop more comfort in encouraging others to assert their own ideas and interests. It's hard to change old patterns. For someone who is used to aggressively pushing to get their own way, this may be difficult. See if you can find a partner and try role playing a conversation where your ideas and opinions are treated as an equal part of the conversation and where you consciously work to treat others more carefully-- not as people to dominate, but as partners who will share ideas to which you will listen. Find other venues for your competitive drive--competitive games are a healthy choice. Trying to win at all costs when a conflict arises, is likely to end up with bigger problem.

Do this:

• Read this article about the competitive conflict style

• If you tend to be an accommodator, look for people who tend toward competition around you. Try to assert yourself and encourage them to listen and include you more fully--a win lose is not really much of a fulfilling resolution.

• Stop over-competing, article here Too competitive?

Financial Conflict Coaching is Available!

Ken Andrichik, MVMP Board member

Finances are at the foundation of many disputes and conflicts. Individuals coming to the mediation table need a thorough understanding of their financial condition. Gaining that understanding often requires a deep examination of assets and liabilities, a more complete analysis than most people ever have to do. If you need assistance to get a handle on your situation, this article explains how the Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program (MVMP) seeks to build financial knowledge in our community.

A keen knowledge of one’s financial condition is crucial. Without it, there is no way someone can truly understand their financial needs and interests as related to a conflict. MVMP’s financial conflict coaches can help people negotiate more effectively.

For example, mediators are finding that many parties in a divorce or separation matter need help to complete the required Family and Probate Court Financial Statement; a form seeking details about income, expenses, assets, and liabilities. MVMP has experienced volunteers ready to assist either or both parties to gather the necessary information, and more importantly, to understand their financial position. Often in relationships, one party takes primary responsibility for money matters. If that relationship is to be ended or altered, BOTH parties need that knowledge.

The volunteers can assist with explaining things like:

·     What are my true assets?

·     How liquid (or easily accessible) are those assets?

·     What is the total picture of my liabilities?

·     What would it mean to change the amount or frequency of payments?

Coaches are NOT advocating for either party. Parties ultimately decide for themselves whether an offer or proposal is in their best interest. However, people make more informed decisions if they have a deeper understanding of their current financial status.

Contact MVMP to seek assistance from a financial conflict coach to prepare for a mediation, during the mediation to understand the ramifications of a proposal, or after a mediation if revisions to an agreement become necessary. Many parties may need help in trying to assess how virus-disrupted jobs or income might impact one or both parties!

MVMP is also planning workshops to build financial knowledge generally. The National Financial Capability Study 2018 found that the financial literacy rate among Americans decreased significantly from a similar study in 2009. We want to assist our community members to build their knowledge.

Watch for our session on “Your Income and Expenses” a presentation using materials from the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation’s Money Smart for Adults series! Through education and financial coaching, MVMP wants our community to have the tools to effectively resolve conflicts.

DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

What do we know about conflicts in the digital age?

Hear the text notification. Open the phone to your email. Look on facebook, instagram or snapchat. Ever had an emotional reaction in any of these digital environments? Of course, it's natural.

Historical perspective

Our human ancestors developed in small family groups, most people knew each other. Conflict was in person, and the result was a shared result. There was a mutual benefit to resolving conflict--the clan needed harmony in order to overcome the world's hostile forces.

The printing press expansion of reading capability meant that the written word could spread one person's ideas far beyond their community. A raging controversy could be spread out over a long period of time as dueling publications sparred. In the industrial age, radio and television sped up the process.

The internet has only been in common use for twenty years. Texting and smart phones for a bit more than ten years. Facebook is sixteen years old. So we are the first generation living in the digital age. And in a very different way than throughout history, conflicts are played out in public on social media and online.

Quick judgement

Our ancestors survived because of our human ability to make quick judgments, Danger! Friend! Foe! For most of our history we needed quick thinking to survive. Today's digital communication turns the issue of speed on its head. Scrolling through twitter posts we can encounter a vast array of ideas and opinions. But while sitting on our couch with the world's knowledge in our hands--we are still the result of our evolutionary drive for survival. We are quick to judge. And the resulting reaction often looks like moral outrage in the person who has found themselves in an online conflict.

Moral outrage

There's recent research into the online conflict cycle. The combination of the quick response, adrenaline filled jousting and human nature to be drawn to spectacle can be a toxic stew for conflict. In the podcast linked below you can hear a fascinating look into this process. There may be an addictive aspect. Understanding what forces draw certain people into these debates is a new area of study. Keep your eye on this.

Bias and discrimination

The digital age has driven a new form of the us and them ideology--where people who differ, disagree or are unfamiliar become them and only those with our own embraced attributes are deemed as us. The mean spirited racism, misogyny, anti-Semitism, homophobia, regionalism etc, etc, seem to be byproducts of the present age. As Devorah Heitner says in her article linked below, "There is the tendency to feel less empathetic when there’s a screen in between."

Is there any bright spot?

The internet and all its tools can be a great support for conflicts, despite all the above.

• Learning about the various ways that others live their lives through internet research.

• Keeping in touch to keep the lines of communication open through email. text or social media

• As we learn about the limitations of online messages, developing ways to be more careful about communication and removing conflict escalating language.

• Mediation, conflict coaching and conflict facilitation take place easily over online platforms--usually video or phone conferencing.

Some ideas here

While we are all home and online more than usual here's some tips for not stirring up conflict on line:

• Only allow yourself to write kind or neutral comments online.

• Be aware that text is missing tone and body language, be overly careful communicating by text or email.

• Walk away from online arguments, especially on social media.

• Pick up the phone or video chat for difficult conversations.

• Consider that anything your write on line lives forever.

• Use the internet to undo your preconceived notions about other people and cultures.

• Go out and take a walk in nature, with your mask and six feet apart if necessary.

Do this:

• Read or listen to this great information about moral outrage and the internet. Is online moral outrage like addiction? Listen here

• Even though this article is aimed at parents to help children, there's plenty of adults who might need it more. Conflict resolution & digital natives

• Look for websites or email newsletters with positive news and ideas. Examples: Yes newsletter Yes newsletter or Greater Good newsletter Greater Good

• Research the other side, sign up to read information from the perspective on the opposite side of your opinions.

NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

Use the Conflict Bubble

Let's do some guided imagery now.

Locate the conflict. What do you call it? How do you describe it? Let's give it a name.

Now let's take the conflict and put it into a container. Can you see it? What kind of a container did you choose?

Now that we've got it defined and packaged, let's take it and put it into the conflict bubble in the middle of the table.

How big is the conflict bubble now? Let's leave the conflict bubble right there in the middle of the table, and keep a good eye on it as we go along.

The magic conflict bubble

It's like the magician at the kids party who pulls a coin from the child's ear. But in this case the mediator isn't playing a trick. It's a shift of perspective that is crucial in order to make progress in resolving a conflict. Put the conflict in the middle and separate it from the person.

This is because, fairly often, a conflict between two people becomes associated with the other person--the fully formed and multi-dimensional person. The conflict and the person becomes entwined. We blame the person, as a person, and don't separate their actions, attitudes and mistakes from them as a valuable person. We look at the person and see their part in the conflict, as if they are one and the same.

Observing the bubble as it expands and contracts

In mediation sessions I am often referring to the conflict in the middle of the table. I looks like the conflict is expanding dramatically. or Let's watch language and stop putting fuel on the conflict. or What do you think, have we taken most of the air out of the bubble? It's looking a lot smaller to me now. This imagined object can help to mark progress toward resolution or the lack thereof.

The idea is to be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Soft on the person because you need them to work with you to solve the problem, and you want your conflict resolution partner to be in good shape and not diminished. And hard on the problem, because that's what you want to solve. And if you work together with the other person, you might come up with something wonderful together. Or at least try.

Some tips for using the conflict bubble

You don't need to be involved in a mediation to use the conflict bubble.

• Follow the steps above to remove the conflict from the other person. If you find the conflict and the person being merged after a while, do it again. The other person is not the conflict.

• Make a list of all the good qualities the person has, remember that they are a full human being.

• Draw the conflict bubble and put the conflict into it. There's something remarkable about the artistic process, it opens up your ability to see things differently.

• Look for people who are already doing this, they are around. The clues are they never blame, never shame and talk about actions and data and do not mix up these matters with the actual human being.

If you forget everything else, this is one to remember. Separate the problem from the person, put the problem in the conflict bubble. Be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Work on resolving the conflict and watch the conflict bubble deflate or disappear.

Do this:

• Watch a video. This one which raises the idea of interests as well as separating people from problem- Workplace conflict resolution

• Watch this video from the movie Marriage Story. Write a list about what's great about the other person, If things are really difficult, read it to the other person. Do it, don't keep it to yourself. The list

• Watch another video. This is William Ury, world renown conflict resolution and negotiation specialist with lots of ideas including Separate person from problem

• Read this article. Separate the person from the problem.

If you missed Day 1 through 18 check out the previous blog posts.

Have a great weekend. Thank your health care worker, cleaner, teacher, store clerk and others who are in public service. Back on Monday.

Thanks Dawn for the conflict bubble, the one in the picture. A gift much appreciated.

Yesterday the planet lost many people-each of them valuable. One was my colleague in the NYC school where I served before I retired. She died of Covid 19. Every life is important. Sandra, we will miss you.

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

Your identity and conflicts are related

Self identity

Tell me a bit about yourself. The question causes all of us to search through multiple identities. Parent? Spouse? Boomer? Immigrant? We all self-identify. Some of these identities are obvious, based on something out of our control: 1980s baby, tall, Spanish speaker. Others are based on our life choices: teacher, soccer player, parent. We all self identify and may have private identities that we only share with those who we hold close: fearful, stoic, snorer. As our lives move forward, our identities shift and change and we try our best to catch up

Public identity labels

Other people in our lives define us and ascribe identities to us that we accept or don't --or don't even know about: Smart, great organizer, good neighbor. Or not such nice identities: silly, unappealing, not one of us. Sally and Richard are best friends and do many things together. Often folks refer to each of them as husband or wife. People look, decide an identity and, without malice, label them as something other than they actually are.

The concept of othering is related to identity. This is when people set up an us and them binary. They turn a group of people, based on their identity, as the other. In a later posting we will focus on the concept of othering. For now let's just say, try hard not to do this. It's hurtful.

The conflict iceberg

The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where the values are in relationship with any conflict. Richard is strongly attached to his identity as, let's say, a Martha's Vineyard resident (nope- not getting into the washashore, Islander, lifelong vineyarder question--not me). Something comes up that challenges this identity. If Richard strongly connects to this aspect of his identity, the conflict will be a stronger conflict for him. If Richard sees his Martha's Vineyard residency as a minor part of who he is, the conflict might be a small one, or maybe not even a conflict at all.

We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's identity, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's see themselves and how their competing identities are playing out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so attached to an aspect of their identities. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See Slow your roll

Identity groups

When we teach conflict resolution, we do an activity related to identity. Group yourselves with others who share your identity as.... People put themselves into a small groups and chat together. What's great about being .....? What's not so great? What do you never want to hear anyone say about people who are ..... These conversations are enlightening. "I never knew that ... people didn't want to hear..." say some people who are not in the group. "I felt powerful talking with my co-.... about what is great about who we are." "We are all something and we are all not something." was the comment of one of the recent participants.

Do this:

• Look at the identity wheel. Pick out your identities and try to put them into priority order. What identity is most important to you?

• Explore intrapersonal, Interpersonal, Intergroup and Transpersonal Identities.

• Talk to others in your life about how they identify. Try this especially with others who have different backgrounds that you are less aware of.

• Watch Taiye Selasie talk about her complicated identity. Where are you a local? Local

Still Working from Home

Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator

We are home and doing our best to get through this time intact. Are you managing under the present circumstances?

In March the Mediation program was chugging along in one of our busiest months. Four courses up and running. About a dozen mediation cases moving forward. Some of us were planning to go off island for our statewide spring conference. We left one or another activity one day saying "see you next week!" And then. We didn't.

The new reality--its an overused phrase already. Who would have predicted that we would all know it means that we are staying far away from each other, learning new technology, checking the mirror to see our masked face. The news is grim and scary. We know people who are sick.

In difficult times, new ideas bubble to the surface. Otherwise, we would never have started writing a daily message about conflict resolution. Have you seen Working From Home the daily conflict resolution message? If not send us an email and we will add you on to the list.

Today two mediators held a perfectly normal mediation over a video conference platform. They were in different places, and managed to use their mediation tools and to help the disputants to come to an interim agreement.

The State conference happened on Monday. Online it took half the time and no one had to drive to see each other. Staring at ourselves in the video conference box, we found out what each other looks like in their living room, in their comfy chair, who has dogs and some interesting decor.

We are not under the mistaken impression that this situation is a good one. We know there is conflict out there, and we wish we could reach out to help more. And the inequities of the present moment seem particularly atrocious. We are thinking about each other and sending good thoughts to buoy spirits as best we can.

We were always in this together, though we might not have thought about it that way until now. Today, all of us at Martha's Vineyard Mediation are doing what we can to be a helpful part of our Island community. Let us know if there is something we can do to help you.

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

Add this tool to your toolbox

Use Neutral Language

Words Matter

• "It was that one word he kept saying over and over."

• "She kept poking at the wound with her words."

• "The conflict would die down and then they would blame me another time and it would just flare up stronger."

Words matter. They particularly matter when there is a conflict. When mediators sit down to listen to disputants' stories, we often hear conflict accelerants such as; She always, or He is so stubborn, or They were being idiots. In these cases the mediators have a superpower they use. It's called reframing into neutral language.

Focus on the facts

The person is talking about something the other person does that they don't like. They start with she always, when talking about the other person. The mediator revises that statement back to the parties by saying something like:

• Sally has noted a pattern of ...(whatever the action is that is not liked).

Why is this important? The words she always, in this context adds fuel to the fire. The mediator, acting as the fire extinguisher, tamps down some of the heat and changes she always into Sally has noted a pattern. The mediator does this because the first phrase puts the recipient on the defensive, the second has the sound of a factual report.

Listen to your words

Do you accelerate conflicts with your words? When Richard had this pointed out to him he said, "What do you want me to do? Think about every word I say before I say it?"

Well, yes.

Some of us have never had to consider how our choice of words affect others. Now is a good time to do this. You or someone you know may think, 'well I am just plain spoken, I call things as I see them.' It is possible to be a straightforward speaker and still not make things worse.

Try Neutral Language

Try rephrasing what you start out wanting to say. Instead of You always do... (whatever is not liked) rephrase it to I'm wondering if we can find a way together to avoid ....(whatever is not liked).

Here's some words to avoid, not because they are bad words, but because they keep the conflict building. The recipient interprets them as an attack and then they go on the defensive. People attacking and defending are not resolving conflicts, they are in a war.

• you

• but

• always

• never

• should

• must

Instead of: Try:

• Is that really relevant?

• Ok. The point I hear you making...

• What is your point?

• Will you elaborate?

• I don't think that will work...

• Is this do-able?

• If you're going to raise your voice I won't listen to you...

• I have a hard time hearing what you are saying when you raise your voice.

• I wasn't the one who...

• Tell me more about that.

• I'm not that way!

• You're saying you experience me as...

• Why are you making this such a big deal?

• This seems really important to you.

Sounds like Kindergarten talk

Often when these ideas are raised, someone says. I can't say that, it sounds like the way they talk in kindergarten. It's sort of sad to hear this. Is it really true the only common space we treat each other carefully is when we are with young children? Hope not.

Don't use any language suggestions if they come across to you or others as superficial or condescending, that's for sure. If this is important to you, though, you can surely find a way to use more neutral language and improve your chances of resolving conflicts more quickly. Give it a try. Milk and cookies, nap time as well as talking kindly are good for everyone. So maybe the standard of kindergarten is a good place to start.

Do this:

• See last week on turning accusations into questions https://conta.cc/2JgUy8U

• Mediators' super power--reframing using neutral language: Reframe

• Reframing using neutral language in the workplace setting Workplace neutral language

• Primer on using non biased language Biased language to avoid

Using the Accommodation Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

I TEND TO USE THE ACCOMMODATION STYLE.

Using the Accommodation Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Accommodation is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the accommodation style, located in lower right corner, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Everyone accommodates at times and it's great to be accommodated--life is a give and take and everyone puts the needs of others first at times. For some people, though, accommodation is all they know.

When is accommodation a wise choice?

There are plenty of situations in which accommodation is the best method. For example:

• Preserving relationships

• Supporting others

• Other person in position of authority or power

• Restore harmony

• Better to end the dispute and move on

• Provide customer service

Deciding to accommodate, while having other options from which to choose, can be an empowering choice and can help to resolve conflict.

Accommodating to a fault

Why do people tend to accommodate? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "These traits were probably ingrained during childhood and may be reinforced by family, religious or other values. Individuals who have a tendency to be accommodating prefer the harmony, goodwill and reciprocity that is often associated with this behavior trait and feel that it serves them well most of the time." As well, individuals who are targeted by prejudice or discrimination may develop accommodation as a coping mechanism for survival purposes.

When is accommodation not good?

If accommodation is the only way an individual knows to resolve conflict, it's a problem. If exclusively accommodating, the individual's needs are being subsumed and the other person's needs are being treated as superior. That's not right. Everyone's voice should be heard and ideas should be shared and considered.

If you tend to be the kind of person who only accommodates, the idea is to develop more comfort in asserting your own ideas and interests. It's hard to change old patterns. For someone who is used to going along with other's ideas, this may be difficult. See if you can find a partner and try role playing a conversation where your ideas and opinions are asserted as an equal part of the conversation.

Do this:

• Read this article about the accommodating conflict style

• If you tend to be competitive, look for people who tend toward accommodation around you. Try to pull back and encourage their full participation in making decisions and resolving conflicts.

• Stop over-accommodating, article here Stop over-accommodating

• Become more assertive From nice to assertive

IS BULLYING THE SAME AS CONFLICT?

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

IS BULLYING THE SAME AS CONFLICT?

Bullying & harassment = power over

Bullying experiences stick with us.

Sally has a memory she has held on to throughout her life. She is in her sixties now. She remembers her first Easter egg hunt when she was three years old. Arriving with her basket, she ran to gather candies. A booming voice from a big man hit her from behind, "Come here little girl. Bring your basket! " He motioned her to stand in front of him. Yelling, "Dump your basket. You didn't wait until I said 'go!' Rude little girl!"

There's more to the story, having to do with Sally's own reaction and her family's approaches. For now let's stick to the incident so indelibly etched in her memory six decades later. The big man, the booming voice, the word rude.

What is bullying?

Bullying can take many forms:

• verbal - threatening, name calling, put-down, sarcasm, yelling

• physical - punching, kicking, looming over or threatening physically

• psychological - excluding, manipulating, gaslighting

Bullying includes the component of power over another person. There are a number of ways to deal with bullying, but conflict resolution strategies are not included. See the difference between them in the contrasting explanations below.

Why can't you approach bullying like any conflict?

Bullying and harassment are based on a power difference or perceived power differential. Bullying is about power over another person. Conflict is between two equals or relative equals--power with another person. Look at this set of contrasting definitions from the National Bullying Prevention Center:

• Conflict is a disagreement or argument in which both sides express their views.

• Bullying is negative behavior directed by someone exerting power and control over another person.

When you look at the above contrasting explanations, you can see the stark difference. The use of conflict resolution techniques, mediation or facilitation is built upon the equality or approximate equality between all parties. With clear cut bullying, a conflict resolution structure can serve to re-victimize the targeted person. The response has to be a different one including legal or use of organizational/personal authority. As well, the Restorative Justice circle approach to uplifting the victim and restoring the victimizer to the community.

This is the Conflict Styles matrix. (See day 1 and day 6.). Along the left axis is the Assertiveness scale--and Bullying is off the Conflict chart. As you see above and outside of the Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate section is the Power Over territory.

I don't want to be a victim

There are laws and clear cut systems in place to address bullying. If in a workplace, there are laws that relate to ongoing and unaddressed patterns of this kind of behavior and the organization may have a procedure in place. Schools have been working to address these matters and continue to develop systems and structures. If in the home, domestic violence hotlines and social work organizations have approaches to help. If you want to address bullying and you are the target, seek help from powerful others who will help you to come up with a plan. The first step is to admit there is a problem.

I don't want to be a bully

If you are looking in the mirror and worried you might be looking at a bully, there are things you can do. Make this your self-improvement project. Seek help from a mental health professional and state your goal is to address this issue. Read everything about the topic. Tell the people around you that you are working to improve on this misuse of power. Look back through your life to find where you learned to use your power in this way. The first step is to admit there is a problem.

Put an end to bullying culture

In Sally's scene above, there was more to the story. An ally came to her defense. The bullying adult was addressed strongly by another adult. Be an ally to come to the targeted person's defense, if it is safe to do so. Call bullying and harassment by their names. We can end bullying if we all work together. Look below at the picture of all the little fish who were able to unite together. Use your own power when you can. Work with others when that is best. Try to not let bullying go unaddressed.

Do this:

• Look around for bullying and harassment. Noticing and naming something is an important first step.

• Have you been a bully or a victim of bullying/harassment? Seek help from others to work on your own approach to this.

• MVMP offers conflict coaching, a 1:1 coaching process, designed to help you make a plan to work with others to address bullying. We do not provide therapy but can make referrals.

• Read this and many other aspects at the National Bullying Prevention Website Bullying or Conflict?

• There's a series Anne with an E on Netflix now where a number of episodes show textbook examples of bullying toward the main character Anne. See the character Gilbert and others for examples of allies.

• Workplace bullying or harassment? Here's an article about the problem. Workplace bullying

• MVMP offers Restorative Justice facilitators who can help with the circle process.

NEW ATTITUDE: SLOW YOUR ROLL

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NEW ATTITUDE: SLOW YOUR ROLL

The bigger the conflict...

the slower your roll

Slow your roll. Its a favorite image for conflict resolution. When there's a big conflict, sometimes your first instinct is to act quickly. Nip it in the bud. Cut to the chase. 1,2,3 and done.

Yes, if the issue is about safety or about a quick correction then quicker might be effective. If the conflict, though, is big and important; slower is better. There should be a correlation between the bigness of the conflict and slowness of your actions. Don't just roll along without careful consideration. Slow your roll.

Why slow?

We've mentioned in previous articles about aspects of conflict resolution that point to the need to reduce your speed. The need to remove your assumptions and consider the other person's perspective. The way the limbic/feeling part of the brain overtakes the cognitive and logical brain. The need to listen more carefully, The reality is, we will make more considered moves that have more chance of a better outcome if we slow things down.

Catch yourself before you can't

Like the rock on the incline, at some point if you can't slow or stop the speed of the conflict, your actions might make the conflict worse. And like the rock rolling down the hill, the effect of gravity and momentum will be hard to stop.

Some tips for slowing it down

What can you do if you are trying to learn to take it slower when a conflict arises? Here's a few ideas that might be helpful. Figure out what works for you.

• Take your time and think about the conflict and all its aspects. Use a conflict analysis tool.

• Go to the balcony--either metaphoric or real--and look down on the situation to see it from above.

• Sleep on it.

• Breathe in for 5 slow counts, breathe out for 8. This is a tried and true method that helps to clear your mind. When things get bad, we often forget to breathe. Oxygen helps.

• Count to 10 or 20 or 100. For some just the process of taking this brief break can be effective.

• Walk away, take a walk to clear your head and move your body.

• Write it out. What is happening in the conflict? Put the words on paper. The writing process uses other brain centers and can open a new perspective.

• Talk to someone trusted. Define the conflict and ask them to help you come up with a few ideas.

• Walk in the other person's shoes. Take a moment to try to talk about the conflict from the other person's point of view.

Here's a mnemonic to help from the article below:

• Setting a positive and collaborative tone

• Listening and acknowledging feelings, emotions, and experiences

• Observing and organizing from an outside perspective

• Working to find a creative, win-­‐win solution

If you forget everything else, this is one to remember. If you have a big conflict, slow things way, way down. Slow your roll.

Do this:

• Watch a video. Remember Gilda Radner's Emily Litella? If too young, here's a clip of someone who does the opposite of slowing things down- Never mind

• Watch another video. This is William Ury, world renown conflict resolution and negotiation specialist with lots of ideas including Go to the Balcony.

• Read this article using the SLOW mnemonic.

If you missed Day 1, 2 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10 and 11 here they are:

Day 1 Thoughts about conflict https://conta.cc/3d565pG

Day 2 Conflict Styles https://conta.cc/38URE4h

Day 3 Listening https://conta.cc/38Z4rTj

Day 4 Feelings https://conta.cc/33uxop7

Day 5 Change yourself https://conta.cc/2wrCd6h

Day 8 Conflict stages https://conta.cc/2wA8rMG

Day 9 Learned conflict styles https://conta.cc/2y4ySup

Day 10 Accusations into questions https://conta.cc/2JgUy8U

Day 11 Underlying needs https://conta.cc/39j5AFd

Have a great weekend--or the rest of the weekend, this is going out late.

Looks like we will be at this sheltering in place for a while, hope you can forward this to someone who might find it helpful.

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - UNDERLYING NEEDS

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - UNDERLYING NEEDS

Underlying Needs and Conflict

Human needs drive conflict

Our lives are made up of the drive to satisfy needs. From the human need for food, water and sleep to the need for fulfilling relationships and the need for meaningful work, we can trace our life history through the process of meeting our needs.

Does having needs mean I'm needy?

The language plays tricks on us in this case. Being needy has come to mean that we aren't self sufficient and it has a bad connotation. That's different than what we do all day, every day for 24 hours a day. We satisfy our needs.

Need for Connection--I'll call my sister. Need to quench my Thirst--get a drink of water. Need for Security-check that I locked the car door. Need for increased Comfort--Turn up the heat. Need for Rest--go to sleep. All those bold words above are needs. We are so used to how the day goes, we don't really notice them, but they are there.

Not just you, everyone else.

Its enough for most of us to just get through the day and strive to meet our own needs. Yet, right alongside all of us are other people in our lives and with whom we interact who are doing the exact same thing. Working to satisfy their own needs. And although we are all human and have similar needs, they don't always intersect gracefully. By you working to meet your own needs, you are impacting on my ability to meet my needs. So we have conflicts.

Look through the needs lens

It's helpful to start to think about the actions of others in terms of meeting needs. Just making use of this lens helps to open up a whole new way of seeing what others are doing--especially when they are in conflict with our own way of thinking. Here's the way to use this lens.

• The other person is doing/has done something with which I am in conflict (fill in the blank)______________

• What's my need?____________

• What do I think is the other person's need?____________.

Needs are not good or bad

This process doesn't work if you are going to then allow yourself to negatively judge other's needs. Needs just are needs. They aren't good or bad. Sometimes what seems like one need on the surface ends up being an underlying need that is something entirely different, and if we get up close and learn more about the other person, they are just trying the best they can to meet their own needs.

In the 1940s Maslow came up with the idea of the Hierarchy of Needs, meaning that there are some basic foundational needs and other levels that layer on top of those. Maslow thought it was a step by step process, but since then we have seen it can be much more random than that. See the image below for the basic idea of this.

Present public health crisis

Our needs quickly shifted a few weeks ago. We may have been seeking to meet our need for self-fulfillment and enlightenment and then with a swiftness we never expected, our needs today are more focused on the basics of food and safety. This moment is difficult for everyone and our coping skills are being put to the test. It may be a good environment for becoming more aware of the concepts of needs--your own and others.

Do this:

• Start to walk through your days using the needs lens. Here's a list of needs--many more than you likely thought of. Big list of needs.

• Read this short article reviewing the connection between needs and conflict. Underlying needs

• Video describing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Maslow's hierarchy of needs video

WEDNESDAY SKILL: LEARN TO USE NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILL: LEARN TO USE NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

Language Matters:

Turn accusations into questions

Paulo Freire, Brazilian educational theorist, famously said "language is not neutral." Linguists agree with this, all language and vocabulary have some intention, shade of meaning, implication, cultural effect. So then should we give up on improving our language use? No way.

Turn accusations into questions

Even without much change in vocabulary, a really great way to create a better foundation for positive conflict resolution, is to reorient accusations. Turn accusations, even if you are pretty certain that the conclusion is correct, into an open and sincere question.

Here's some examples of accusations:

• You took the car even though you knew I needed it!

• I know you tried to undermine me and set me up with the boss!

• You always expect me to pay and you know I can't afford it!

• I know you are trying to steal my boyfriend, I saw how you looked at him!

Sound familiar?

How do you reorient an accusation?

Step One. Start with the beginning of the sentence. Look above at the list, they all begin with "You," "You always" or "I know." What happens to a person when they hear a statement that starts that way? We are generally on guard. Right from the beginning it seems to be setting up the weaponry to lob a missile--the other person gets ready to fight, defend or take cover. Not such a great way to begin to communicate, right?

Instead start with a few open-ended question stems:

• I wonder...

• I've been thinking about...

• I've got a question...

• Would you help me to understand...

These beginnings and many others, provide an invitation to the other person to communicate and participate.

Step Two--Tone and attitude

Next, let's remove the exclamation point, which requires a lowered tone. If you are initiating the conversation, the necessity is for calmness and openness and not rushing forward headlong. And to put your assumptions aside and be open to the possibility that what you are concluding might be faulty.

To lower your tone, you need to ask yourself, 'Am I trying to hurt the other person or am I trying to solve the problem?' If you honestly want to hurt the other person, take a break, re-evaluate, focus on why you want to ultimately preserve the connection. Then, when you are calm, try the next step.

Step three-- Revise

The third step is to reorient the accusation and turn it into a question. The statements above then become:

• I wonder if you took the car even though you knew I needed it? or I wonder why you took the car? Did you know that I needed it?

• I've been thinking about this...I know you tried it seemed like you were trying to undermine me. Did you try to set me up with the boss? or Did you think about how this would affect me with the boss?

• Would you help me to understand...You always it seems to me that you expect me to pay and you know I can't afford it? or Did you know that I can't afford it?

• I know you are trying to steal my boyfriend, I've got a question..I saw how you looked at him .... I'm wondering...what did that mean?

Remove You, You always and I know

Unless someone says "You are the most amazing person" (Say this more!) or "I know where some great dessert is" (Yum) or "You always have the best ideas (Thanks); work to remove these starts to any communication. They don't work.

It is so difficult to change habits, don't be hard on yourself. Setting up the intention to try a new way of talking is the first step--and every journey starts right there.

Do this:

• Think about how you start a difficult conversation. Are you setting up a war or conversation? Consider how you start things off. Put some effort into working to set up an invitation with your words and remove accusations.

• Search for accusations in your daily life. Try to see if you can use the tools above to transform them.

• Or read a related article on communication Intimate relationships or Workplace relationships.

There are a lot of further topics within this discussion. Look for future articles on Judgement, Blame/Shame, Pride, Defensiveness, Assumptions, Loaded questions and Better questioning among others. Do you have a topic, let us know.

Good luck with your journey.

TUESDAY: CONFLICT STYLES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

TUESDAY: CONFLICT STYLES

Conflict Styles are learned

Five Conflict Styles

The five conflict styles, Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate describe most approaches to conflict. Where do these approaches come from? They are learned.

During conflict resolution courses, we put people together in small groups. "What did you learn in your home before you were five about how conflict is resolved?" Everyone gets time to talk and consider their memories. The next question: "How about in school in your first years?" Then: "Talk about conflict in your first love relationship." And: "Talk about conflict lessons from the workplace." Our conflict resolution lives are built upon the stacked up lessons from our lived culture and current events.

Family models for conflict styles

By reviewing these experiences, individuals can develop an understanding of where they have picked up messages about conflict. As in most core concepts, the family is the strongest teacher. "My mother avoided all conflict, in fact from her point of view, there were no conflicts." This quote comes from a workshop participant who was considering why she feels so uncomfortable acknowledging any conflict. Another person in the workshop recounts how she was taught to compete and be aggressive when conflict develops. "My grandfather always told me, don't swing first, but make sure you are the last one to land a blow and make sure you win." A first generation citizen from an immigrant family recounts, "I realized my family was so fearful, they put up with everything and never tried to advance their own cause."

Workplace conflict

For many, the workplace is not a location where positive approaches to conflict are modeled. We have bosses who don't collaborate or colleagues who utilize unsuccessful conflict styles. At work, where many of us spend most of our waking hours, these approaches become solidified in the organizational culture. The conflict elephant grows and takes up more space, negatively affecting the lives of all those in the workplace.

What has been learned can be revised

The good news is that we can all learn new ways to resolve conflict. And as we work to collaborate with others in order to come to agreement, to compromise in a healthy way, to use our creative problem solving process; we help to model for others a better way. At home, our children will learn better methods for conflict resolution than the ones we adopted by default.

Do this:

• Look at the chart again. Which style did you learn at home? As a young adult? As an adult? From whom did you see these styles modeled?

• Look for models of compromise and collaboration/creative problem solving. Keep a chart of where you see these models throughout your life. Find good models to study.

• Set a goal for yourself with regard to your conflict style. Try a new style. Tell someone close to you that you are going to try a new way, see if they can work with you to do this.

• Read this article about conflict styles in the family Family conflict styles

• Read this article about conflict styles in the workplace Workplace conflict styles

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The Five Stages of Conflict

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

MONDAY CONFLICT CONCEPTS

The Five Stages of Conflict

Conflict has predictable stages

We become aware of conflicts in a wide variety of ways.

• "That conflict came out of the blue. Boom!"

• "It was brewing for a long time. Like a slow-motion train wreck.."

• "We have never seen eye to eye."

• "All seemed to be going well, but under the surface.."

• "I genuinely had no idea we had a problem..."

In whichever way they begin, conflicts tend to have similar paths going through five distinct stages.

Stage One- Latent

A conflict has an early quiet stage. In conflict resolution theory it is called the latent stage, meaning the participants are not yet aware of the conflict, but there may be hidden frustrations and they may surface at any time. Sometimes these brewing or buried conflicts never find their way to the open air. Other times the conflict is looming and evident. And sometimes conflicts come without warning.

Stage Two- Perceived and Felt

Once a conflict develops and it is known, it goes through the perceived and felt stage. Parties may go through this stage simultaneously or at different times, depending upon events. Once they are aware that a conflict exists, individuals begin to feel stress, anxiety and/or hostility.

Stage Three- Conflict Approach

Next each person involved in the dispute adopts an approach. These are based upon their conflict style choice and their own intention for handling the conflict. In Day 2 we learned about the basic conflict styles of Compete, Avoid, Accommodate, Compromise, and Collaborate/Creative Problem Solve. These approaches make a difference in what happens next.

Stage Four- Stalemate or Negotiate

Depending on what strategy is used in Stage 3, the conflict will either move forward, negotiate toward an agreement; or the dialogue will be shut down and a standoff will develop.

Stage Five- Aftermath

The outcome of the conflict can range from a fully positive resolution to the alternate; a relationship dissolution. In conflicts that are a one time event, this may be the end. For those with ongoing relationships this process looks less like a singular mountain, like the figure above and more like an ongoing loop.

Why pay attention to stages?

Our work is to know more about conflict in order to address these situations in a thoughtful and enlightened way. When you are thinking about how to handle a conflict, looking at where things stand along the typical route, can help.

Do this:

• Use this. Take a look at the step by step approach in the figure below and see if you can take a conflict and track how it has proceeded through the stages.

• Read this. A longish chapter but lots of great info here: Five stages of conflict.

• Try this. If you have a conflict moving from the the latent stage into the perceived & felt stage, tell the person you are aware of the conflict. See what they say. Did they know there was a conflict? If not, now they do. You can then say, "I would like to work this out. Can we talk?" Then use your best listening skills to find out what is driving the conflict from the other person's point of view.

FOUNDATION FRIDAY: CONFLICT RESOLUTION BUILDING BLOCKS

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

FOUNDATION FRIDAY: CONFLICT RESOLUTION BUILDING BLOCKS

Core Conflict Resolution Concepts

You can't change anyone but yourself

Trying to change other people

After decades of work in the conflict resolution world, there's something that happens quite often. Let's set up the scenario. An individual takes a conflict resolution class. They learn about an approach to conflict and begin to use the approach. Try their best. And here's what their feedback sounds like:

• I tried that approach. It doesn't work. My husband was supposed to do_______( fill in the blank)____. Instead he did _____(the opposite of what I thought/wanted/was trying to get him to do)_____. This conflict resolution stuff doesn't work!

Conflict resolution techniques are not manipulation or coercion. In fact they are the opposite. When we try a new approach such as; question construction or a focus on detecting interests underneath positions or better listening techniques we are not working on the other person. We are working on ourselves. Building our tool box. Expanding our repetoire. Taking responsibility for our own part in the conflict.

You can't change anyone but yourself.

We've all tried. It doesn't work. This is the exciting and interesting part of human life. We never know what another person is going to do. We plan and strategize and outline. And then the other person does something unexpected. People are always unpredictable. That's life.

In conflict resolution work, we are creating a reservoir of tools and techniques for the individual to use. For themselves. To be a better conflict resolver. To make the conflicts in our lives go more smoothly and work toward mutually satisfying resolution. What others do will impact us, and then we move on to plan B or C etc, etc. Try different tools and techniques. At the end of the day, we can only control our own actions and try to hone our own skills.

Corona Virus and taking our own personal responsibility

Have you ever thought to yourself: If everyone would just do things just the way I think they should, the world would be a better place? I have. This recent crisis is a monumental test of all of our abilities to cope, adjust, learn and survive. And putting up with other people who are doing what we think they shouldn't is a major challenge.

So this is a perfect time to practice the thought process: I can't change anyone but myself. Is everyone else not taking things seriously? Use your best conflict resolution listening techniques to understand what they are thinking about. Are people not staying six feet apart? Take responsibility for yourself, you yourself stay six feet away. Are you confronting the inevitable challenges of conflicts that arise from self-quarantine? Focus on what you can do based on conflict resolution best practices.

Put on your own mask before assisting others

We all know this metaphoric admonition on the airplane. In the event of a loss of oxygen...adjust your own mask before attempting to assist others. Now is the time to work on what will help you. Take ten minutes to quietly meditate. Do internet research on active listening techniques. Watch TED talks on building cooperative problem solving. Garden. Sleep. Write. Reach out.

Our organization has had to adjust. We are continuing to provide services by video or telephone conferences. Social service agencies are available remotely. Seek the support you need. Call our office or send an email if you think we can help. We are all in this together.

Do this:

• Take this quiz. Week One Quiz How did you do?

• If you find yourself focusing on what someone else is doing that you don't like, shift your focus. Check yourself: Can I try a new way of looking at this? What do I want to know about the other person? Am I doing something that I can adjust?

• Here's a tried and true technique to change your focus. You've got a small conflict. On a piece of paper make two columns. In the first column, write down 10 things the other person is doing that bother you--try to get to 10 or as many as you can think of. Then in the column next to each item, write down at least one thing you can do to make things better. Focus on what you can do, not what you want the other person to do.

Article here You can't change anyone by yourself

If you missed Day 1, 2, 3 or 4, here they are:

Thoughts about conflict https://conta.cc/3d565pG

Conflict Styles https://conta.cc/38URE4h

Listening better https://conta.cc/38Z4rTj

Make friends with feelings ttps://conta.cc/33uxop7

Have a great weekend. We will be back on Monday. Get out in nature if you can. The sun is shining, or it will! - Sara

MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR FEELINGS

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR FEELINGS

Figure out feelings. Understand conflict.

Feelings are an important component of understanding, analyzing and handling life's conflicts.

Your brain and your emotional life

There's a wide variety of feelings and words that describe feelings. They are derived from the five core emotions: joy, anger/rage, fear, surprise, and sadness. The absolute reality is, the emotions are always there and whether we accept their existence or try to avoid them (see Day 2) everyone has a rich, varied and complex emotional life.

The limbic system, which developed much more recently in evolution after the nervous system and brain stem, is where the emotional life resides. After that, and much more recently in evolutionary terms, came the logical brain. The reality is, although the logical brain can try to dominate the feeling brain, the emotions can and will always take over. We survived as a species because of the feeling brain--it is essential for our existence.

Make friends with feelings

Feelings are an important component of what makes everyone human. Some of us have been taught that we should push down or ignore feelings, that any emotional expression or acknowledgment of our feelings will indicate our own personal weakness. Nope. Your hard work is to understand where your individual feelings come from. This is your lifelong job. We are all responsible for what we do with our feelings, no one else. And we can't take responsibility without spending a bit of time examining our own personal emotional life. Its not a quick process and requires learning how to self reflect. Relax. Look inward. Give yourself a break.

Name that feeling

We describe our feelings with a myriad of vocabulary terms. Only the individual person can pick the accurate term. Below is a list of feeling words, take a look and broaden your vocabulary. Naming an emotion has a powerful effect. Saying to yourself, I am feeling frustrated and also a bit hesitant is a much more developed internal dialogue as compared to the basic sad•mad•glad construction. Our words clarify our narrative. Our narrative has a big effect on how we approach challenges.

Feelings and conflict

First the internal part. If you are having a conflict and you are participating in the conflict, your emotions are tied up with some component of the conflict. We don't have conflicts if we don't care. And caring comes from an emotional place. Ask yourself some self reflective questions. What am I feeling? Do I know why I am feeling this way? Does it fit a pattern? Is there a long term memory involved?

And before you do or say anything you can't take back, consider the other person and their feelings. What are they feeling? Why do you think that is so? Can you check to see if you are right? Exploring feelings, with a light touch, both internally and with the other person can help to set the stage for productive communication and problem solving.

Emotional hijackers

One important part of the limbic system awesomeness is the fight•flight•freeze trio of hijackers. When we are highly emotionally charged, one of the those three take over. Big idea: It takes 20 minutes or more for you or anyone else to get back to normal after a fight•flight•freeze event. 20 minutes--not 30 seconds. That means in a conflict, you need to let yourself and the other person take a very long break before trying to engage your cerebral brain and work to resolve the conflict.

Conflict resolution and emotions

When you are engaging in a difficult conversation, find the right place to insert your own feelings. Here's a sometimes successful technique. Decide what you are feeling. Ask the other person, Would you like to know how I am feeling? If they say no, do not offer it. If they say yes, tell it in a neutral and not blaming way. If another person tells you how they are feeling, accept it as entirely and fully true. Never deny someone is feeling the way they say they are feeling. On flip side, don't take responsibility for other's feelings. We are all responsible for our own feelings. Other's actions affect us and may be the reason for the feeling. Blaming others for how you feel is counter productive. It does not help and sets up a lose • lose scenario.

Do this:

• Take a look at the feeling list (below). Set your timer for an interval of time--maybe an hour or two. As you go about your day, check in regularly on your emotional inner life. Write down the feeling words that best describe you throughout a few days. Is your list widely varied? Are you finding terms that fit you on both lists--needs satisfied/needs not satisfied?

• If you are seeing the same feeling word listed often, take some time to think about that feeling. Is there a pattern in your life that is related? Do you need someone to talk to about this?

• Listen when someone says they are feeling a certain way and accept what they are saying. You can respond by saying,

• Is there a way I can help ? (action) or

• I'm sorry you feel that way. (empathy) or

• Let me know if you want to talk about feeling _____?(communicate).

• Tell the conflict story, either to yourself on paper or in recording or to another trusted person. Make sure to describe your feelings. Can you figure out what needs, values or aspect of identity the feelings relate to? This is your conflict narrative. By reviewing our own conflict narrative, we can sometimes figure out a new a creative approach to resolving the conflict.

Quick read on the five core emotions here: Emotions and feelings

A list of feelings organized for conflict analysis Feelings inventory

Here's a long clip from the movie Inside Out--brilliant tutorial on emotions Inside Out: The Movie The clip is a bit disjointed, better to watch the whole movie if you can.

Yesterday's video clip didn't work right. Here it is Listening TED talk

Tomorrow there will be a quiz! It will be fun...I hope.

Learn To Listen Better

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

Learn To Listen Better

Want respect?

Listen better.

Think of people you admire. A leader, an expert, a mentor, someone you can rely on. What do these people all have in common? They are good at the skill, art, craft, and science of listening.

The skill of listening

Just like any skill, it takes practice, practice, practice. Try a self-improvement listening project - build your listening muscles. Face another person. Turn off your other thoughts. Postpone conclusions and judgements. Open up your mind to the other person and work hard at listening. Want to check how you are doing? Paraphrase or repeat back to the person. Say, "I'd like to see if I've got it. Is this what you just said?" Say back what you think you heard and see if the person recognizes their message.

The art of listening

Use your creative self while you work to be a great listener. Make pictures in your mind of what the person is saying. Not your own story, their story. Zone in on body language and tone--do you see or hear something that provides more information beyond the words?

Keep track of your own body language. Stay calm and open to what is being said. Find your own creative system to stay on track with what the other person is saying and what the meaning is behind the words.

The craft of listening

There are rules and structures that work if you want to be a good listener. Find a good place for a talk, don't try to multi task--you can't, no one can. Make encouraging moves or sounds, to show you are there with the speaker and that you are interested and listening.

With difficult topics, ask if you can summarize or paraphrase what is said. Don't let your answer, conclusion or personal experience emerge to hijack the conversation. Listening is not about you, it is about the other person. In your mind, think about these questions: What are they saying? What are they not saying? What are you learning about the person? Why are they telling you this? What do they seek from you as the listener?

Then ask questions--good solid real questions. First clarify information. Find out facts or check on details that are important to understand. Then ask deeper questions that are more open ended. Don't tell your own story. Don't provide your judgement. Don't tell the person what to do. Don't diminish the person or their values. Lift them up with the gift of your attentive listening.

The science of listening

Two people, sitting together and talking is a balm for life's wounds. We are social beings. We need to know someone appreciates our own ideas and experiences. Listening equals empathy. Blood pressure improves. Adrenaline and stress response returns to neutral. Muscles relax. Breathing calms. A warm feeling of calm develops. Trust builds. Respect increases. It's pretty amazing the actual physical and psychological effects that being listened to can have.

Here's the surprising part. The listener receives all the above positive effects along with the listened to person. We mirror each other's status when we spend time together. When you open your mind to listen to another person, it benefits you too. And if you have to be on a video call or phone to talk, use your voice to promote togetherness and calmness.

Conflict resolution and listening

Professional mediators, conflict coaches and others in the conflict resolution world know that their first and most important tool in the tool box is listening. This is how we do our work, looking underneath the words for the most important information--the needs, interests, values and identity of the speaker. If we are good at listening, there's no room for our own agenda or personal biases. We open our minds and do our very best listening in order to find potent foundation upon which to resolve conflict.

Do this: Ask someone in your life to help you to become a better listener. Ask the person to notice if you are listening well or not. Try to paraphrase - repeat back - what someone says.

How did you do? Are you picking up what the other person is saying or substituting your own ideas and vocabulary? Stick with it and be easy on yourself. Practice makes a little better -- there is no perfect. We are all in training.

• Listen for figurative language to understand better what the person is saying. Do they use more sports, gardening, travel, boating vocabulary?

• Watch their body language, what do you see?

• Work on your follow up questions, removing your own judgement and conclusions--really ask to hear the other person's thoughts and ideas.

• Don't let yourself believe you are multi tasking--especially when someone is trying to talk with you about something important. Give them your full attention. Put the phone down.

Watch a video about the craft and science of listening here--watch till the end for the RASA approach: Listening Ted Talk.

Or read an article Listening to loved ones or Listening at work

Our Conflict Style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

Our Conflict Style

The Conflict Matrix

There are five main styles of conflict. Some are more effective than others. For those who feel uncomfortable with spending time handling conflict, its time to consider other methods of conflict resolution.

Many people use the AVOID conflict resolution style. They think its the safest option. When there is a major power imbalance between disputants or if there is not time or energy, avoiding dealing with the issue might make sense. The problem is, the conflict doesn't go away. Over time it gets worse. The ostrich with its head in the sand doesn't accomplish much except to hide from the problem.

We all know a COMPETITIVE conflict resolver. They want to win, the conflict is a battlefield and they are planning to win and you are going to lose. People who compete when there is a conflict don't accomplish much except to dominate the other person. This causes resentment and misses out on the ideas of the other person. Taken too far this can become a bullying scenario, driven by a need for power. Not a great way to truly resolve a conflict.

The flip side is the ACCOMMODATE conflict resolver who gives in to the other person and does not assert their own ideas and needs. Someone who always accommodates others is the person who is not being heard and considered. This style, overused, is going to lead to low self esteem on the part of the accommodating person--and a pattern of not truly communicating with the other person.

Our work is about moving conflict away from the outer frame in order to build experience with conflict as a positive process--moving toward well-discussed and agreed-to COMPROMISE and COLLABORATION.

When people compromise, and if the outcome results from a fully developed conflict resolution process, its an improvement compared to the first three styles listed above. Everyone loses a bit and everyone wins a little. At its best, the process will help to build the relationship and both people can appreciate learning about each other.

If the disputants have the time and can listen to each other, the strongest and most equitable is the collaborating style. Applying this approach means the disputants remove the shame and blame from their thinking, define the conflict together, put the topic in the middle of the table and work together to come up with a creative solution. They ask each other: Why do you want what you want? and Can we think of another way? They work together on the conflict as a project, using creative thinking in order to move toward a Win-Win outcome.

Do this: Spend some time thinking about the Conflict Styles with this matrix available as a reference. Do you see these styles in evidence? How often do you see each of the five styles? Which do you use and when and why?

Try using Creative Problem Solving/Collaborating. Pick a really low level conflict. Try to work together with the other person to come up with a new and interesting way to resolve the conflict. Be creative together.

Consider the connection between having a positive attitude toward conflicts and the ability and willingness to think creatively.

Watch a video about the conflict resolution styles here: Conflict Styles video Or read an article here: Conflict Resolution styles

Our Thoughts About Conflict

While we are keeping social distance and have a lot of time on our hands, let’s do some conflict resolution…

Our Thoughts About Conflict

Working with groups, we often start by gathering words associated with the word conflict.

After we have created a Conflict Web, we ask: What do you notice here?

'Its all negative'. 'Bad'. 'Conflict is not welcome'. 'We don't like conflict!'

When folks start mining their memories for messages they have adopted about conflict, they often uncover the incomplete and unhelpful ideas that are prevailing in our world.

Our work is about moving conflict concepts away from the lose-lose mentality to a new conflict metaphor.

• Conflict as a problem to be solved

• Conflict as an opportunity

• Conflict as a time to learn

• Conflict as a gift.

• Conflict as...(a garden? a journey? a house?...)

Do this: take a piece of paper and write down all the words you associate with conflict.

Try to come up with a list of conflict metaphors. Be creative!

Consider where these messages came from in your life.

Read an article Conflict Metaphors