MV Mediation is pleased to announce a $2,500 grant from the Martha’s Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation to support the Youth Mediation Program and Peace Curriculum. The Peace Curriculum, developed by Executive Director Sara Barnes, is a 10-week conflict resolution and positive communication program designed to teach conflict resolution to the students of Martha’s Vineyard. Using integrative and hands-on activities, students learn to apply skills to resolve conflict in their day-to-day lives.
Thrum. Thrum. Bong. Bong. Step. Step. The sounds of the Queen of England’s funeral events had a somber musical score to match the occasion. A riveting theme for Britain and around the world. Throngs of well-wishers lined the avenues. Some commented that, despite the deep divides in that county and the vestiges of the colonial empire, the event of her death was uniting. At least for a historical moment.
Conflict resolution techniques are not manipulation or coercion. In fact they are the opposite. When we teach a new approach such as question construction or detecting interests, better listening techniques, or using neutral language it's not to work on the other person. We are working on ourselves. Building our tool box. Expanding our repertoire. Taking responsibility for our own part in the conflict and in making the world around us a better place.
Here's the thing about employing the shame/blame dynamic duo. They don't solve the conflict. They don't analyze the problem. They don't help us to learn from our mistakes. They don't build trust. They will harm an organization in short order. They do nothing but make folks feel miserable and will crash any relationship.
Trust
What does all this have to do with conflict? Trust. In our relationships with others we are always either making deposits into or subtracting from the reservoir of trust. We humans aren't so different from our canine cousins in that regard. My months with Ohmi had contributed drop by drop to the trust reservoir. Yet one incident when I raised my voice and inadvertently harmed her, slight though it was, had taken us many steps backward.
In the last six months and through the magic of teleconferencing, I've spent about 100 hours engaged in workshops, support networks, advanced practice seminars, and professional discussions with representatives from six continents. Here's a little travelogue; I hope you will indulge me as I present a virtual slide show.
Celebrating light is the theme for November and December holidays across the world. The Hindu festival of Divali was celebrated last week with the lighting of candles to wish one another good luck, riches, and generosity. As the waning light of the sun in the Northeast US is heading us toward the shortest day of the year, many light candles and install lighting displays to brighten our lives and the lives of those around us.
Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator
We are home and doing our best to get through this time intact. Are you managing under the present circumstances?
In March the Mediation program was chugging along in one of our busiest months. Four courses up and running. About a dozen mediation cases moving forward. Some of us were planning to go off island for our statewide spring conference. We left one or another activity one day saying "see you next week!" And then. We didn't.
The new reality--its an overused phrase already. Who would have predicted that we would all know it means that we are staying far away from each other, learning new technology, checking the mirror to see our masked face. The news is grim and scary. We know people who are sick.
In difficult times, new ideas bubble to the surface. Otherwise, we would never have started writing a daily message about conflict resolution. Have you seen Working From Home the daily conflict resolution message? If not send us an email and we will add you on to the list.
Today two mediators held a perfectly normal mediation over a video conference platform. They were in different places, and managed to use their mediation tools and to help the disputants to come to an interim agreement.
The State conference happened on Monday. Online it took half the time and no one had to drive to see each other. Staring at ourselves in the video conference box, we found out what each other looks like in their living room, in their comfy chair, who has dogs and some interesting decor.
We are not under the mistaken impression that this situation is a good one. We know there is conflict out there, and we wish we could reach out to help more. And the inequities of the present moment seem particularly atrocious. We are thinking about each other and sending good thoughts to buoy spirits as best we can.
We were always in this together, though we might not have thought about it that way until now. Today, all of us at Martha's Vineyard Mediation are doing what we can to be a helpful part of our Island community. Let us know if there is something we can do to help you.
Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator
Over this past year we have been building our Conflict Coaching service. MVMP has our own model called CLAMSHELL. In two hours of 1:1 coaching, participants can review a conflict scene, analyze many aspects of the conflict and develop a personalized plan for the future.
Who benefits from Conflict Coaching? Our clients are diverse. Some are:
a divorcing mom who wants to not shut down when dealing with her ex partner
a public official who wants be more effective when confronted with anger
a mother of the groom to who wants to better handle an upcoming family wedding
a wife who gets angry whenever she and her husband discuss an ongoing topic
a supervisor who finds herself reactive to the actions of a particular employee
These conflicts are the stuff of everyday life. Our clients come to us seeking self improvement. They work with a caring and qualified coach who leads them through the coaching protocol.
The CLAMSHELL letters stand for the steps that happen sequentially as the coach and client move through the conflict coaching process.
Clarify Goals
Listen to conflict story
Ask to understand
Map the internal & external
Survey mutuality
Heartcheck & Reflect
Explore Options & Rehearse
Lock it in
Look for Pearls
We have learned quite a bit over the last year from our Conflict Coaching clients. The close bonds between coaches and clients open up reflective dialogue. Here are a few important findings so far:
1:1 time
Just the process of sitting for two one hour sessions with another person, being listened to and treated with kindness has great value. For many clients, taking a break from busy lives, and focusing inward has powerful benefits.
Pick a conflict scene
Our process asks clients to set a goal and then pick a specific scene to review. The concise nature of picking one important conflict scene helps clients and coaches to focus in a targeted way. In two hours no one can change everything, but focusing closely on a well-defined incident has the benefit of helping the client to zoom in on the underlying forces behind the conflict.
Two sessions
The time between sessions provides time for participants to think things through and develop new perspectives. The second session is often the session where clients have revelations about conflicts in their life.
Mutuality
The beginning of the second session is when the coach leads the client to walk in the other person's shoes and to use the concept of mutuality. This tool is new ground for some people. Our coaches are excellent at helping their clients use this tool as a way to understand their own conflict situation.
If you know someone who you think could benefit from CLAMSHELL conflict coaching, please send them our way. Throughout 2020 we are providing the first two sessions free of charge, thanks to a grant from Newman's Own Foundation.
We can all use a assistance in dealing with conflicts--Conflict Coaching can be that helping hand.
Sara Barnes
Lead mediator
Some in the court room who are waiting for District Civil or Small Claims cases are thinking, I've got a good case, I'm going to win. When we offer them mediation, there are some who take us up on our offer. The mediators say to both, "Its a voluntary process. Everything you say is confidential and the mediators are neutral. Its up to you and the other party to come to a self-determined agreement. The mediators will help you write it up and the court can enter it as a judgement if that is what you wish."
Mediation is an empowering process--those involved use their own ideas about fairness and negotiate with each other. The mediator guides them through the interplay. Those involved in the conflict decide how to settle the matter. Usually the parties are able to come to a mutually agreeable settlement. We work with the goal of a win-win outcome.
In more cases than we would like to see, though, the parties reject mediation. They say something like, I know I am going to win. I have a good case. Its airtight, so I"ll just let the magistrate or judge decide because I know they will decide for me. And I will win. A win-lose concept.
Yet when we check back later, we see that many of these cases were decided in exactly the opposite way-- and that by rejecting mediation the party gave up their chance at a more favorable outcome. Why is that?
When two people of relatively good intentions try to figure out what's fair--its based on their own ideas. Sharing those ideas can be illuminating. Sometimes the previous poor communication and misunderstandings can be worked out quickly just by creating a mediation space to really listen to each other. The parties themselves, the experts in the situation, can come a mutually satisfactory outcome together. It takes time and willingness to listen and negotiate. But it works.
When cases come to our office, in advance of court days; or if we provide mediation in the court setting, parties do not lose their rights to be heard in court. If no agreement can be crafted in mediation, then parties can still go to court and present their case.
What does the court do? They judge or magistrate applies the law to the case as it is presented. Those in court may have little understanding of how the law has to be applied and may not know that what may seem to them to be obviously unfair, is found in the favor of the other party. If parties in a dispute want to leave the outcome in the hands of the court, and if they are willing to possibly lose everything, then starting out in district civil court or small claims make sense.
We at MVMP, along with the judge and clerk-magistrate, always suggest using mediation services first. We believe in the power and benefit of self determination and have found that mediated agreements can have other positive and uplifting effects for those who participate. In the end, those in mediation usually find that it is an empowering process. Maybe frustrating and emotionally draining, but an overall strong and meaningful experience. For many, going to court can seem dis-empowering.
Our hope, of course, is for these cases to come to the Mediation program long before they end up in court. Call our office if you can't work it out yourself. "I tried to mediate it myself" was said by a defendant in court last month. This statement shows a misunderstanding. Mediation involves a neutral and qualified third party. As Judge Barnes, our new District Court Judge says, "If you tried to mediate yourself, you did the opposite of mediation. You can't do it yourself, you need to use the mediators. They are the best in Dukes County and they know how to help."
It’s a snowy, icy morning and the roads were difficult. Stomping the snow off our feet we greet each other. "You made it!" "Get some coffee and warm up." " I'm waiting to hear what happened with that situation from last week." "How is your son feeling?"
The greetings come from the cohort members who have been meeting together every Tuesday morning before work. Its the seventh session of the course and the members have decided to add two extra sessions on. "We need all the help we can get. And I get a lot from these discussions," said one participant.
This group has built a supportive community, talking about a topic that many shy away from: workplace conflict. Every Tuesday, a member presents a case study focused on a conflict at their work. They describe the situation, suggest what kind of feedback they are seeking and listen to the ideas of the other cohort members. With kindness, participants point out conflict management tools that might be helpful, notice patterns, suggest rephrasing or improved body language. The case study presenter leaves with lots of feedback and ideas to try out.
These are all supervisors, managers, business owners or staff members who want to improve how they handle conflicts. We use a self help text to pick up new ideas and I, as the facilitator, move things along and teach new concepts. But the glue that holds the whole thing together, is the individual stories and dilemmas that we all share with each other.
At the beginning of the course, we pledge confidentiality throughout the course and beyond, knowing that privacy is so important on this small island. Side conversations and partnerships arise. "Its amazing how, even though we are all in different businesses, we all are having the same problems," pointed out one participant.
This week one of our members shared their successes, following up on a situation described previously. "I kept quiet, I listened. I really tried to curb my judgement. And I didn't take it personally," The group gives lots of encouragement and congratulations. We know how hard it is to change habits and adopt new practices. And now we know its easier to do when you have a cadre of others who are working to do the same thing.
As the facilitator, I too gain new insights. I may have taught conflict resolution over many decades, but there is always so much more to learn and think about. Its an honor to spend my Tuesday mornings working with this group of Island leaders who are working to add more tools to their conflict resolution toolbox.
Sara Barnes
Lead Mediator
Hi everyone,
It has become something of a tradition now for me to send out a note of thanks to mark this peculiarly American and wonderful holiday of Thanksgiving. I am thinking particularly about things to be grateful for and the importance of valuing those around you.
So with that in mind I want to acknowledge an amazing year of progress and transition for many and also the extreme amount of hard work put in to manage these changes. For those interested in such things:
· 3330 mediations 72.68% of which reached agreement
· Outreach carried out to 19,310 at 449 outreach events
· 35 basic mediation trainings and 219 specialized trainings
· 93% of participants happy with the process and 90% would recommend to someone else
· Nearly 50% of participants reporting thought that mediation had built their skills, improved communication and reduced conflict/stress
· 3 new centers were brought into the re-entry program
· A new Probate and Family Court pilot was begun
· We conducted a successful conference with the Trial Court
· Many were trained in conflict coaching and are now offering services
I could go on and on, but for those less interested in numbers and more interested in the feeling the work generates, you can know that everything that was achieved was done in collaboration and friendship.
While you are sitting with your turkey, nut roast or protesting against the holiday as a colonialist relic, I hope you are not thinking about work. However you can bask in some of the successes of the past year and be grateful for your role as peacemakers. Thank you so much for everything you do.
Yours in solidarity
Ros
Rosalind Cresswell,
Program Manager, MOPC
Ugh I have to go to work.
Thank god Its Friday.
No one died wanting more days at work.
Our culture is full of all kinds of negative messages about work and working. Here on the Vineyard we would all like to be happily following our passions and living the dream. But the reality for many is that work is stressful and depleting.
Its not the conflicts that one successfully resolves that eat away at us. We are likely proud of our efforts when we solve a conflict. We likely see the result as an accomplishment. Resolved conflicts can build us up and make us feel strong enough to face the next challenge.
It’s the ones that got away, the arguments left unfinished, the patterns that never change, the unaddressed unfairness, the interpersonal difficulties never settled. These are the conflicts that make us miserable at work. If you ever stayed up at night chewing over a work situation and dreaded the morning alarm, unresolved conflict may be the explanation.
MVMP has been working to help. In partnership with the Chamber of Commerce and Oak Bluffs Library we are now presenting our sixth of seven 2019 lunchtime workplace conflict workshops. Upcoming is Toxic Workplaces on November 14 and Team building on December 12. We will probably repeat the series in the spring.
We also offer a course on workplace conflict that meets weekly. On Tuesday mornings, a cohort of managers and supervisors meet in a private ongoing course to discuss a professional conflict management text and offer each other suggestions and ideas about handling workplace conflicts. This group will complete their ten sessions in December. Participants earn a certificate in workplace conflict management. The next course will be offered for new members at the end of January.
Knowledge about how to analyze conflict, manage emotions and use effective dispute resolution tools can help all of us. We spend so much of our time at work and yet most of us don’t have enough strategies to effectively resolve conflicts. MVMP is honored to be able to offer some assistance for community members. It is our hope that our efforts will help to make Martha’s Vineyard a happier more productive place—a place where our work lives can be a component of ‘living the dream.’
Sara Barnes,
President and Lead Mediator
Sara Barnes,
President and Lead Mediator
October 17, 2019 is a worldwide celebration of Conflict Resolution Day. In Massachusetts the legislature has declared the week of October 14-18 Conflict Resolution Week.
Everyday is conflict resolution day at Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program. Here are a few happenings from last week.
· Working on the Youth Mediation Program—creating partnerships with a youth organization so our mediators have a confidential setting for mediation services.
· Answering inquiries from numerous individuals and organizations who are seeking mediation, facilitation or conflict coaching services.
· Interacting with various divorcing couples and our in-house lawyer who prepares the court packets, in order to finalize divorce documents.
· Workplace conflict session #2 with a cohort of supervisors and managers who are working their way through a published conflict management text.
· Preparation of our quarterly reports to the offices of the Attorney General, District Court, Probate/Family Court and Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration.
· Discussion with a sister mediation organization in order to consider a partnership on a complicated project.
· Preparation for the twice-yearly Introduction to Mediation course fielding inquiries and preparing materials.
· Drop by from a friend of the organization who was thinking about getting involved in MVMP.
· Meeting of the Conflict Coaches to develop their campaign to promote this free service for Martha’s Vineyard residents.
Sometimes we feel like we are in a tiny boat paddling hard against prevailing winds that push in the opposite direction. Your support and belief in our mission—to encourage and assist all residents of Dukes County to resolve conflicts through mediation and other constructive dispute resolution tools—keeps us afloat.
On October 17 we will celebrate Conflict Resolution Day, joining with thousands across the globe who take one day to lift up the notions that conflict resolution is the way forward toward peace and understanding. Add this one on to your list of holidays. Celebrate with MVMP.
At least one, if not all of our principles: Confidentiality, Voluntariness, Neutrality and Self-Determination; function as guide stars for each service we offer. It's good to have principles to hold on to when we do mediation, facilitation, conflict coaching or educational work. These principles unite our organization and provide us with shared core values.
Communicate Carefully might well be considered another one of our principles because we know that successful practitioners in the conflict resolution field are precise and thoughtful in their communication. Choosing the right word or phrase, listening carefully, matching cadence and tone, being aware of how messages can be put in a more effective way, studying language and usage-- all are ways we can become more expert communicators. I found this article to be a great read in this regard. I hope you enjoy it and learn from it as I have.
Will we see you at one of our many upcoming activities? Workplace conflict is a big focus for the coming months. The Youth Project continues with two videos being edited and mediation services for youth now available with our newly trained Youth Mediators. The Introduction to Mediation course begins on October 3. We are, as usual, providing conflict resolution services to individuals and organizations as we continue to serve our community. We are scheduling into November and December now because we are so busy!
Thanks for your great support for our work.
Sara Barnes, President MVMP
